April 29, 2004

Organizing the lie

What am I supposed to do now? I am simply at a loss of words, a loss of actions, a loss of everything. I don't know what I am supposed to do..

I feel like a lost child on the verge of nothing.

I am standing in the middle of myself looking up into the eyes of my memories, and trying to forget them all over again. I don't want to confront myself about how I really feel because I am afraid of myself. I am scared of who I am, and that is a truly sad thing, to me, indeed.

I would rather be in the shadows letting the part of me everyone likes drive than to risk it all because I want to do something different.. It all comes down to the routine of the act, the organization of the facade, and mine is still under construction.

April 27, 2004

Falling off.

I had a miniature breakdown. The littlest thing set me off, and I started to cry and hyperventilate. I collapsed on my stairs and cried until my tears stopped coming and all I was left with were empty sobs. It has been coming for a while. I have felt like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders and it has just... well, it all came tumbling down on top of me.

I can't handle it, I think I'm stronger than most people, but then again most people don't start having a panic attack when the modem stops working and they have a 4000 word essay due in a matter of days. Most people plan ahead, most people think about what they need done. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think.

I just... I want peace. Peace of the soul, peace of mind, peace of the whole. I'm tired of feeling stretched and broken, "like butter scraped over too much bread" as Bilbo put it. I feel in a way like Humpty-Dumpty, but there is no one around anymore to put my pieces back together. I don’t think there ever has been; it’s always been up to me.

They can't put me back together again if I was never together in the beginning...

April 25, 2004

Saving me.

I'm trying to save the world from itself, one person at a time. I want it to be a better place, for me, for my children, for everyone else who may or may not deserve it. I want to clean it up in a moral or in a physical sense so that when I die I know my life will have meant something.

It's hard trying to save others who have no idea what they need, but now that I look to it, who am I to save them? I have no right to interfere into their lives and say that they are doing something wrong. It's their life, I have my own I need to be living.

But what if mine isn't worth living? What if I have no purpose except to serve as that boundary to myself? Am I blocking off the rest of my life to serve those around me? Why do I crave the affections of others? Why do I relish in their acceptance? Because we all do.

As much as everyone preaches against the society and their lack of need for it, they each secretly wish to be accepted and in not being accepted they are in reality embraced by others. Not because of their similarities but because of their willingness to step out. Everyone is accepted at someplace in his or her life, you can’t escape it.

And those who don't care about being part of the group? Who scream their individuality? They too have somewhere to creep away to where they are part of a collective, that hurts with them when they hurt, whether they want to admit it or not. Everyone has a net, a place of safety, but some are not willing to admit it to themselves.

No one is ever truly alone, as much as they would like to be. I am not, as easy as it would be.

Thank you for never walking away, for always being there when I needed you the most, even when I pushed you away. Thank you for being the thing that touched my soul, and breathed that spark of life back into it. Thank you for never giving up, even when I begged for the end. You are my spirit's light and my forever. You are poetry and deserve nothing less. The sky I see has never been so blue before.

April 15, 2004

Hallelujah

I just spent two hours debating someone about God. I don't understand it, he doesn't want to see things any other way than his own, or maybe it's that I don't want to see any other way than my own.

I just want to grasp everything all at once and I can't. I want to find peace within myself because I feel that I should be able to stand alone. I don't think I should have to need anyone else, but I do. The facts stand that I cannot be alone, and still be okay. I am not self-sufficient and I think I should be. I always feel like I have to lean on a crutch to do anything.

I am not perfect, I don't want to be. So much responsibility lies with those who have the knowledge, and it lies in what they do with it. But what if those with the knowledge choose to use it in the wrong ways? What if they are led wrongly by themselves and those who influence them? Are we again led down a path of indecision? Where is it that right and wrong become so biased? So based on the thoughts of man and his perception of God?

Do we corrupt God in our thoughts of Him? Do we perhaps over-glorify Him in our thoughts of Him? Some do; at least that is what I believe.

Take the knowledge you have and stick it. You know who you are.

April 12, 2004

Such is life

I just spent four hours in a Geo Metro with three good friends of mine, the problem is that the only one of us who drives is really getting on my nerves and it's my vacation. I am close to her and I care about her, but when she starts in about what she did at the movies with her ex-boyfriend, even though it was nothing, I just can't handle it.

They have been broken up for about a year now, and she is still at his beck and call, playing the part of his lap dog. Whenever he is in town and gets forlorn, wanting for his actual girlfriend he'll call her, my friend that is, not his girlfriend like a normal person. I know that doesn't sound so bad, like you know maybe their just really good friends, but they're not and I don't think they can be. Like for awhile I tried to believe that it wasn't that way at all, but then I heard the stories of their rendezvous first hand, and I was slapped back to reality. I just can't see her live her life like this, yet I have no choice.

Her life isn't mine to mess with; it's hers to screw with as she pleases even if it is in the literal sense. I just wish she could see the position she has put herself in and that she refuses to pull herself out of.

It's hard to sit by and watch others screw up what you know they could get right if only they mildly gave a damn.

April 08, 2004

Promises, promises...

He called yesterday, the one I can live without. He called and now he wants to work things out, he wants a second chance, and he wants me back. I don't want to go back, but he doesn't understand it as well as I would like. I told him that my trust was broken and that it takes time to heal broken trust and longer to heal a broken heart.

He doesn't want to hear it, he just wants to go back to the way things were, but we can't. I've changed, I'm not the clingy little girl who needed him because he said "serious relationship", and I don't need him. I was at a breaking point when we hung up last night; he kept pushing for the answer he wanted, for the outcome he thinks he needs to survive. I can’t give it to him, I won’t give it to him; he lost any rights he had to my heart when he walked away from me for her.

He blames his actions on his depression, that he couldn't stop her, that he just let it happen because he was too weak to stop her. Bull shit. He is saving face now, still trying to be the victim, still trying to play to play tragic hero. He doesn't care about my happiness; he cares about his own now. He wants to know that at the end of the day someone cares about him, and not because they have to. I'm tired of being that person; I won't go back to being that person.

He made me believe in forever again, not forever forever, but a forever that was long enough for me then. The fact is that I believed in it again. I knew it wasn't a relationship meant for forever, but the fact it he cut it shorter than needed.

I won't let him in again; I won't let him hurt me. I won't revert to the girl I was when I was with him. I won't sit in the backseat when the relationship is supposed to be side-by-side.

It's over, forever.

April 06, 2004

Whole pieces

I've talked to him so much it has all begun to run together. Yet it all seems so perfect and too good to be true.

They say you're supposed to love like you've never been hurt before, but what if the pain is too much to get past? I want to love him, with all that I have, but I don't have all of me in my possession. I guess that is the part that hurts the worst, knowing that I could be truly happy if only I was complete..

I feel like in some way it is my fault for not being enough, like I am the one responsible for not being a whole person in spirit. I want to be his everything, his one to end all other possibilities, except to be with me. Is that even possible?

I don't think I deserve that kind of happiness. I don't deserve a happily ever after with Prince Charming, even if it is all I have ever wanted.

I want to be whole, I want to find the answers to my questions, and I want fewer questions. I want to find the truth behind it all and to be able to accept it. I want a lot, that doesn't mean I'll get it...

April 04, 2004

All the pain

I'm treading on my own eggshells. I want to run, but I won't; I want to scream and I can't. I hurt inside and I can't place it anymore. It was once so easy to blame the others in my life, to blame those around me for the pain that I held inside, yet now I can't. They haven't done anything to me, and perhaps that is the problem.. I am alone again.

I can't stand being alone, it puts me face to face with my inner demons, and it is so much easier just to ignore them. I seem in the world what I hate in myself. It scares me to death. I can't stand being placed with them; I can't stand being a pawn in life's game, in God's game..

It would be so easy to give up to remove myself from the playing field, but it's not an option anymore. The people who I feel apart from all depend on my living. Why? Why do I have to be so damn important? Why does so much depend on my survival? They're probably lying, again..

I've been hurt by people before so I have come to expect the rest of the world to hurt me too. Maybe I should let it, instead of hurting myself...

April 01, 2004

Lost in Understanding

He's a "vain fool". Well, he's playing that part now to push me away. He's always been this way. Always trying to push me away, because I don't think he's ever known what it's really like to have love without conditions.

He wants me to just automatically understand, and I want to try; I have tried. But he says how can he explain something to me if I just can't understand his point of view? Isn't that the point of telling someone something, to get their feedback and their opinion on the situation? I used to think so.

I wanted to tell him how could I understand if he wouldn’t explain it to me. He is older than I am and has lived a different life; it is going to be hard for me to understand exactly where his is coming from because I haven't been there.

I am just tired of conceding defeat, of letting him win, of knowing I'm right, but this is all part of the healthy relationship part, right?