April 04, 2004

All the pain

I'm treading on my own eggshells. I want to run, but I won't; I want to scream and I can't. I hurt inside and I can't place it anymore. It was once so easy to blame the others in my life, to blame those around me for the pain that I held inside, yet now I can't. They haven't done anything to me, and perhaps that is the problem.. I am alone again.

I can't stand being alone, it puts me face to face with my inner demons, and it is so much easier just to ignore them. I seem in the world what I hate in myself. It scares me to death. I can't stand being placed with them; I can't stand being a pawn in life's game, in God's game..

It would be so easy to give up to remove myself from the playing field, but it's not an option anymore. The people who I feel apart from all depend on my living. Why? Why do I have to be so damn important? Why does so much depend on my survival? They're probably lying, again..

I've been hurt by people before so I have come to expect the rest of the world to hurt me too. Maybe I should let it, instead of hurting myself...

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