April 27, 2004

Falling off.

I had a miniature breakdown. The littlest thing set me off, and I started to cry and hyperventilate. I collapsed on my stairs and cried until my tears stopped coming and all I was left with were empty sobs. It has been coming for a while. I have felt like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders and it has just... well, it all came tumbling down on top of me.

I can't handle it, I think I'm stronger than most people, but then again most people don't start having a panic attack when the modem stops working and they have a 4000 word essay due in a matter of days. Most people plan ahead, most people think about what they need done. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think.

I just... I want peace. Peace of the soul, peace of mind, peace of the whole. I'm tired of feeling stretched and broken, "like butter scraped over too much bread" as Bilbo put it. I feel in a way like Humpty-Dumpty, but there is no one around anymore to put my pieces back together. I don’t think there ever has been; it’s always been up to me.

They can't put me back together again if I was never together in the beginning...


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