May 31, 2004

Stand unashamed

An ordinary man, with superhuman powers
A father, a husband, and a lover
A man who saved the world
Countless times before
Who is still trying to save himself.

Don’t loose yourself
In trying to save it all
Don’t become what you in hate
Trying to make the world a safer place
Don’t become the downtrodden
Trying to kill the glorified.
Be who you are, and stand unashamed.

The cacaophony of hate
Resounds inside his mind
The duty he’d sworn himself to do,
Cannot weigh more on his conscious
Than the love of father and son.

Don’t loose yourself
In trying to save it all
Don’t become what you in hate
Trying to make the world a safer place
Don’t become the downtrodden
Trying to kill the glorified.
Be who you are, and stand unashamed.

He’ll try to save the world
Loosing himself to the pain.
He's sacrificing all he has
For those he does not know,
And will never know him.

Don’t loose yourself
In trying to save it all
Don’t become what you in hate
Trying to make the world a safer place
Don’t become the downtrodden
Trying to kill the glorified.
Be who you are, and stand unashamed.

Where was it written,
That a man would come to save us all
Sacrifice all he had
For the sake of eternal peace
And loose himself too.

We’ve heard the tail before,
Of one man against the world..
He’s come, he’s gone
And left his legacy behind.
You are not that man.

Don’t loose yourself
In trying to save it all
Don’t become what you in hate
Trying to make the world a safer place
Don’t become the downtrodden
Trying to kill the glorified.
Be who you are, and stand unashamed.

Come to the life you were born to live
Have your family and grow old..
You have a greater purpose,
Not to rid the world of evil
But to be seed of good within it.

Don’t loose yourself
In trying to save it all
Don’t become what you in hate
Trying to make the world a safer place
Don’t become the downtrodden
Trying to kill the glorified.
Be the man inside, and all’s right with the world…
Be who you are, and stand unashamed.

May 30, 2004

Dear Brian,

When I heard your name I thought “he’s my forever.” I smiled at your name in my inbox, and felt a drop in my stomach when you weren’t online. I knew you were mine, and that you loved me and that thought always made me blush.. Cloud 9 seemed to have been built for you and me, once…

Now all it does it hurt when I think of you. All I want to do is cry at the uncertainties that have only grown with time. Will you want me when you wake in the morning to a new day that may have someone new waiting for you? Will I still be the one by your side in the future? Will you still love me for all that I am?

Will you love me because you need me or will you need me because you love me?

I want to be your one and only. I want to be enough for you and maybe I'm not and that last night was enough to show me that maybe I'm not. No this isn't an emotional plea to keep you, this is how I felt last night when you hung up. I wasn't the one ready and willing to walk away. I didn't say four words and hang up before another could be spoken. I couldn't hang up because I don't have it in me to break a promise to you and walk away. Maybe by your eagerness to do you only prove to me that maybe it is time for you to move on. Maybe this period of being torn for you is how you needed to know that I wasn't the one, but that there is someone out there.. maybe for a while I was hope enough for you to see that there is good in the world.

No, I don't always understand.. maybe I'm just not ready to but the thing of it is, is that I listened and I tried. I am not what you need, but I was for a time; you loved me once, and that is enough for me. This is your chance to find the happiness you have searched for, to find the peace and to be whole, and I don’t think that you can do that with my presence looming over you. Don’t think of this as the end, think of it as your new beginning. You are not alone, there are people out there who do care about you and they will stick by you and wait for you. There is someone out there right now who is waiting to find you and meet you, and you will be their everything, and they will be your end all of end alls.

I wish that I could have been that person. I wish that we could’ve been forever, but I am not who you need. It breaks my heart but I know that it’s time for you to do what it is you have told me countless times to do.. you need to move on, and find someone better.

I love you with all that I have and more. Forever and for always.. I promised you that, and I promise you again, that fact will not change.

Someone once told me that it takes more strength to walk away that it does to stay. I think they’re right. It will take strength I don’t think I have to walk away and stay away, considering how I feel, perhaps it will be easy for you… Maybe I will have hurt you and it will be anger that keeps you away. But know this, I walk away because of my feelings for you not because of a lack of them.

Live a life to be proud of and don’t loose yourself to the crowd.

There are things in this world worth fighting for, and you are one of them.

I love you because of your imperfections.

Take your time, find your answers, find yourself, and be at peace..

This is not good-bye forever, but it is good-bye.

May 22, 2004

Work, what is it good for?

Negativity is clouding my spirit; it is puncturing how I want to feel and how I should feel. I shouldn't have gone into a public interaction field if I couldn't deal with people for long periods at a time.

So this is what I get for going to work..

May 21, 2004

All you need is love

I have to know what I to do with my life, or rather they have to know what I want to do with my life. I was so sure I wanted to teach, to inspire, to reach out and bring students to the love of literature that I have found.. but I am doubtful now. They have to know so that they can gear my education toward my "goal". But what if it really isn't a goal but more a looming sign of adulthood, that ever-present banner waving over my head screaming in neon paint that I am now entering the workforce as I was trained to do.

And of course I will have to work 40 hours a week, I will have to have enough money support myself, and perhaps somewhere down the line.. a family. I will have to jump through the hoops of everyone else before I can make my own. But is it really worth it, sacrificing parts of myself to get where I want to be?

Every piece is precious because it is all I have, I don't think the soul has regenerative capabilities, only the ability to create scar tissue very slowly... I think that I give enough away every time I get involved with someone.. and when you are lost and still trying to find all of yourself every little piece counts..

I hurt.. I want to know that I am loved. I am tired of feeling lost and alone. I am tired of being told I need better, well show me better and we’ll talk. I want to be the poetry everyone else is. I have a hole inside myself, and nothing seems to work, it is empty and endless, and it hurts. I look around and see the sparkle of everyone else, the poetry of their hearts and music of their souls, they all seem so happy, despite the battles they are fighting with each other and within themselves.

Dammit why do I have to be this way?! Why do I have to give so much of a damn for someone I have never met in person, why did I have to fall for the guy? I hate hurting and it's all I seem to have anymore pain on top of pain coupled with stress... I just want love, it's all I've ever wanted.. when was it too much to ask for?!

I just want to be loved...

May 18, 2004

Playing the part

He wants to be alone, he wants to push everyone out of his life, and I know that I am included in that "everyone" scope. I am just tired of it. He is going to keep feeling like this until he does it; until he pushes everyone out of his life and becomes truly alone.

Nothing I try is going to change his mind, nothing I try is going to make him better or make his hurt go away. I wanted to be that person for him though, the one who really could be his everything. But I realize now that he doesn't really want someone like that, and though he needs one, he will just keep pushing them away until he really is alone.

People are not boomerangs, and I am tired of playing the beaten dog. I am tired of being kicked and coming back, I am tired of being taken for granted and told that I'm loved while he keeps pushing me away. I just want to feel the way it did two years ago when I knew he loved me...

I miss that, I miss so much about the way things were, but you can't go back you can only go forward.. and I am learning that I may have to do that, even if it is without him.

I'm crying even thinking about that, going on without him. He is my everything, even if I'm not his, and perhaps it is my need for self-sacrifice, or perhaps a need for self- mutilation both physically and emotionally that now keeps me with him.. or perhaps for me it is true love, the forever kind..

Nothing to spare

Work upon more work, such is the way of the student. The teachers have decidedly begun to pile on the "in-class" projects, which oddly enough mostly get done out of class.

Not much to write considering not much energy or thought space to spare to the effort of introspection. Maybe it's better this way, this way I can't think about the hurt so I won't feel anything.

Yeah, this is better..

May 16, 2004

An answer at last

Silence, I can't stand it. It leaves too much time and space for reflection. It's driving me insane. I can't play music either for it brings back too many memories, and I won't go through that, not again, I'm not ready.

I just seem so unprepared for everything that is being thrown at me. Not being able to handle anything right now seems to be my strong suit. Being able to pride myself on being strong seems so long ago, and being strong seems even further. Why can't I find stability anymore? Why can't my own two legs be enough?

Some people have told me to turn to God, to look to Him for my answers and to just let them come. I just don't see that working.

I feel abandoned, but now I realize it is because I pushed everyone away. I feel alone, and it is my fault. That is the worst feeling of all, I think, being alone and knowing that I could have done something to prevent it.

What's the point?

Complaints, fears, trouble with guys. This is all I seem to write about, one would think this is all that dominates my thoughts. But the thing is that I don't complain to people that I have problems with, I don't talk to the friends around me about my problems with them or with everyone else in my life, including myself. I keep everything bottled up inside and this is my release, to let the hurt the thoughts the anger the fear out in this.

No one is ever going to read it, I'll never get comments on what I think, no feedback, no arguments to my thoughts, nothing. It's like a void where everything just sits to fester never finding any real release except with in the void.

I guess it helps, it's not sitting inside me anymore, it is sitting in a bunch of internet codes, in words that come out of me, that pour from my fingertips. Yet there is still so much that is left to be said because with every question comes any question, with every sentence another thought, it becomes a never ending stream of thoughts and ideas and nothing ever seems to really be resolved.

So much fear

I am afraid of the person I see myself slowly becoming. I am afraid of the person the rest of the world sees becasue she is a delicate facade and has taken many years to perfect. I am afraid to look inward at the true self I have neglected in the darkness.

I am sure she is all my fears, all my hates and dislikes, all my problems. She is an all encompassing problem with a taste for blood and revenge. She will be hideous and yet strangely beautiful in the light and they will come to her in droves. I will hate who I become, yet it is me and if there is any hope for myself them I must ultimately come to terms with this and love myself, no matter who I may or may not be.

Yet how can I hate something I do not yet know? Or will I even decide to know her? Perhaps that through this facade I have come into my true self and not known it. Perhaps the likes and dislikes of who I molded myself into have become exactly those things to me. Maybe I have been waiting in the light all along oblivious to my own search.

I just see things about myself that I hate and I shove them deeper, like the part of me that hurts others because it can be fun, or the part of me that actually stands up and fights. I am one who wants to stand alone and be independent and yet the ideas and thoughts that come with that independence, that freedom from groupthought has me running back to the arms of friends. I think that it may be that perhaps I am truly afraid of the idea of true and elementally pure independence.

It is that with independence there is also a power, in that you have nothing left to loose and everything to gain, that everything is within your grasp and is just at the end of your fingertips.

But, to stand and fight while those close to you sit and watch because they are too taken by the fright, the impossibility of the situation, that they only sit there mouths tightly shut, chewing on the inside of their lower lip, hoping against hope that nothing that would take them away from the comfort of there own fantasies will be asked of them, seems so lonely.

To rephrase a movie line, to bear power is to be alone. Yet is it worth it to pay the prices of being alone and in power?

Upon a dream

I always seem to get so lost on my way to finding the answers. It seems so easy when you start out, but once you're out there and on your own everything suddenly becomes so complicated and everything you were sure of is now so full of doubt.

I once believed in myself, I once believed I could make it through, I did a lot of things once...

I walked among the gods and goddesses of the ancients; I talked with Cleopatra; I picked flowers for days and slept by the riverside. I discussed war with Alexander, and peace with Athena. I was one with myself and all that surrounded me, I was happy, I was at peace. Socrates knew me by name, and Leonardo painted my likeness; Bach composed my mantra, and Mozart wrote my symphony; Shakespeare taught me how to love, and loved to teach me; Thespis acted his plays for me as his only auidence; Frost showed me the road, and Joan helped me find my voice; Santana played me his guitar, and let me play it too; Brightman sang for me and pushed my voice to the heavens.

Of course, this was all just once upon a dream...

May 12, 2004

Mine, and mine alone

Here I am, all alone talking to people over the internet and finding no joy, holding my head in my hands and thinking about all the things I've done wrong, all the people I've wronged, and all the people who've wronged me. It's like nothing really matters anymore. Not any of it, not a single thing holds any joy, and I look back and I see pain. I see happiness that ends in sorrow and tears; I see blue skies that give way to black and gray, and I see vast amounts of pain. From here it's only a short ride to the blade and my wrist. Yet still I live. I live on, I keep going, and to what point and purpose? Not experience, not to return to Heaven, not to live the life that has been given to me. Tell why do I have to go on living this lie for everyone else? Tell me what about me touches those around me? What do they want from me? My heart? My soul? My love? I can't give that to them if I have nothing left to give. I am broken. I am hurt, broken and bleeding inside. I blame no one but myself. As easy as it would be to lay my problems on the backs of others, I can't do it. My pain is mine, and will stay that way for as long as I can help it.

May 11, 2004

Once more with feeling

I'm falling into the old way, the one where I'm with him. I'm talking to him again, I know he hurt me, but he also meant a lot to me. I just.. he made me happy.

There are so many sides to this that have to be considered; the situation has never been black and white. There is a vast array of colors with everyone's point of view mixed in, as it is with everything. I know it is not between him and me and everyone else, yet they were there for me when he turned away from the us that was.

How do you forgive that? Do you forgive that? I mean I couldn't even cry I was so upset when it happened, and she was there when I called to talk about it, she answered the phone. He broke up with me in an email, he walked away over IM and she started talking to me, I called to talk about it, she answered, and I talked to him until I hung up and let them be. What am I supposed to do? How do I put that behind me? Do I put that behind me and try again?

I like being single. I like the freedom to flirt, to talk with guys, to hug and not worry. I missed the not worrying... I'm going to give myself an ulcer.

I won't do it again, I won't suffer the hurt, not again, and definitely not for him.

May 10, 2004

Great ambitions

Whatever the timing or the place, then and there she is able to drift into her own being, listen and hear her own voice. Whether it speaks in whispers of love, in screams of pain or anger, in shouts of joy, or in silent thanksgiving, the voice is hers, hers alone.
~Virginia Beane Rutter

It is exactly what I need to know, where I need to stand, who I need to be. I cannot be someone to be supported by everyone else, nor can I lean upon my own insecurities. I have to be strong, I have to be myself, and I must fine out who I am in order to be that person.

I have lived so long in the shadow of others, trying to let them play out my life, leaning on them for my decisions. I can't be that person anymore. I have to stand and fight for myself; it’s time.

I worry so much that I am going to disappoint them all, that I will fail them because I have in many ways failed myself: in school, in faith, in strength, in personal ability. I view myself as a loser, and that perhaps it is no more than I deserve than to be alone.

I have so much conviction to change, to do better, but no fire or passion to get it done. I must feed the flame, hand over my fears, my inadequacies, my faults, and begin to focus on my strengths. I have many, but now I must seek them out. I have doubt in my ability, that maybe it will all be too hard and I will give up as quickly as I began. Yet, taking the easy way out is what everyone else does, and why should I want to be like everyone else?

I will become the person I want to be.
I will change for the better.
I will find peace.
I will be whole.

I can do this.

May 03, 2004

Life's a gas

I just want to be noticed. I want to stand up and be heard. I want someone else to share my conviction, and my passion. I want to scream and have someone understand where I'm coming from.

I am tired of those around me deciding for me who I should or shouldn't be. When did they get put in charge of the moral basis of the world, let alone the standards by which I should live my life?

We offend her. I am sitting around a bunch of guy friends at lunch and one of them burps. The rest of us see this as a compliment and a challenge, we graciously accept, except her. She watches on in disgust as I burp in turn after each of the guys. I see no problem with this, as it is that I am having fun. I am seventeen freaking years old and am allowed to digress to have a burping contest once in a while. I, of course, lost and laughed it off; she, however, scoffs at me and tells me that I have just offended her by behaving "unlady-like".

What is unlady-like? I mean that in today’s society the idea of a lady is totally different than that of a lady back in the 1920s. I am still a lady though I encompass different ideas than that which she holds in higher regard. She holds her nose up and plays the part of the Virgin Mary, the martyr, that one person in the entire world without sin.

She has no problem pointing out everyone else's faults and defects but when it comes down to the wire she has no desire to look inward and change those things which she does not like about herself. I find it unbelievable that while she has the gall and audacity to talk about everyone else, she has no motivation to come to terms with her own insecurities.

I cannot see the definitions of the world today as they are meant to be seen, nor can I pretend to. I see what I see and how it effects my life, and in turn how my life effects those around me, but that is the big picture, not a burping contest.

Let her talk, let her judge, let her find the things she hates in herself in everyone else. You have to pick your battles, namely the ones you can win, because those are the ones that can win you the war.

May 02, 2004

Taking back

Anger, expressed in silent rage.
Tears and sorrow set the stage.
Darkness may come with Death by her side
If they choose to take me,
It was my choice to die.

Single fleeting moments are all I have left of happiness, I feel all alone in a world full of people, yet I know I'm not; that I'm just overreacting. And so I feel the worse for feeling bad and for being blinded by my own pain.

It isn't worth it, and yet I am too chicken to take my own life.