June 27, 2004

Lost and confused

So I'm leaving in a few days to go spiritually reconnect at a camp sponsered by my church and I don't know how to feel about it..

June 16, 2004

A day spent

I find myself in a hall of sisterhood. A place where every note of laughter echoes with the melody of a thousand tears shed together. The rafters know our songs, and the walls speak of our hours together. She is my soul mate, my match in every way, my sister thru time.

I enjoy her company when I hate my own. She shows me the compassion I have come to think this world has forgotten, and teaches me the truths I so often blind myself to. It is hard not to see a brighter future when she is the one there to make you smile.

The day was spent in the scent of waffles and romance novels. The evening filled with musty dead animals, thrift stores, and each other's company. To be able to ride thru the Greenway after a light rain laughing and being mudded on, to have that unbreakable bond surface thru the ache of distance.. this is the life I want. This day has been one of the happiest in a while, and I am glad to have spent it with her.

The squeal at finding a dead rabbit under her bike, the mud strip up the back of her khaki pants and white shirt from the bike tires, the sink turned washing machine of the Waffle House, the dancing in each others clothes in Goodwill, these are the moments I cherish above all.

I wish her only the happiest things in life, though I know they will not come without heartache too. I will keep true to my words of so long ago, I will be by her side for as long as she'll have my company, and I know that will be a long time coming yet.

So here is to the ova-lacto-vegetarian/lemur, the one who is the smartest of asses, the girl who finds happiness in the smallest of insects, and believes you can never be too old to act stupid. She is art, she is timeless, and I am glad to have known her... though I feel deep down that this lifetime was not the first we have met....

June 15, 2004

Too

So I can't run off like I want. I can't disappear into the woodwork and become just another shadow; my clothes are too loud and my soul is the same color as Joseph's Technicolor dream coat. There is too much to be said to just let it be bottled up inside. I care too much about letting it out to keep it to myself.

It may just be the optimism in me coming out but I think that maybe one person who reads this, who I may not know about.. might just need me, and that is a wonderful feeling.

June 08, 2004

No reasons anymore

Screw it.. go read someone else's blog.

June 06, 2004

Staying with uncertainty

I can't leave Brian, nor will I. I swore myself to him two years ago and I will keep that promise. All I have is my word and I will not loose that. Sometimes I am all he has and I will not forsake him to the world. Sometimes all I have is him and I will not loose him, even if I loose myself in the process...

We talked the other night and he is better now. He isn't going to walk away, and he is going to try to find his answers with me still in his life. I am glad for that.

He isn't perfect, but I love him and for me, that is enough.

Beating out the pain

I have a one member audience. No one reads this, my heart and soul on the line and the only person who reads this is my best friend. Fuck it! I am so fucking alone that it doesn't even fucking matter. For those who would seem to care they stay away for their own sakes, afraid of the rage that seemingly lies in wait. I am not a truly violent person and I hate it when I do participate in hitting someone, even playfully, for it adds to the charade that I am all tough and no softness.

I hate being the one everyone is afraid of. I hate being the one everyone comes to when they need their dirty work done because they believe I like doing it. I just want to be held and have someone else be strong. I just want to be the protected one instead of always protecting. I hate it when they back away from me because I stretch. I hate the look of fear in their eyes when I become annoyed.. Yet this is the life I made for myself, and now I must deal.

I will stand strong and not crumble. I will cry and not be eroded by my own tears. I will hold my head high, and not give in to the darkness that claws away at my soul.. I'm lying to myself again.

June 04, 2004

Reading for love

This darkness is claiming me again, albeit slowly, but surely. I am drawing away from those close me, I shy away from them as I would someone who sought to do me harm.

They do not understand that the jests they so innocently and frequently throw my way about the books I read hurt. Though I may know they are jests they still hurt. I have always supported their efforts in whatever they did, no matter how fool hearty, I simply thought that they could be able to show me the same consideration.

I was wrong, and now I shall pull away to protect myself. I see no one else to do it for me, no strong arm to be wrapped in, for such notions are only seen in the romance novels I so religiously read. Love seems so long ago and only reminds me of what I do not have, no matter how hard I may wish for it.

June 03, 2004

Mother's reality

All I wanted was to rage against the machine, even if you weren't really listening. All I wanted was to be angry and have it be okay. You say you want into my life, but how am I supposed to let you when you just keep trying to take over? You get angry and raise your voice when I don't want to let you in, when I do feel like talking, when I tell you I don't need you for the little things anymore.

I am no longer the baby you once cradled in your arms, mom. I am no longer in need of your constant supervision. I no longer run into the walls to test their durability, nor do I fall down steps to see the horror in your face. I am a young woman now. Though I may be lost at times, and feel hurt and alone; though I may have problems that need fixing or things that need to be dealt with, I no longer need you to do that for me. I have learned responsibility.

I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and have that be enough. Yes, you are within your motherly rights to try and make things better for me, but not when it stands in the way of my life lessons, or my personal growth. You have lived your life, and raised me to the best of your ability, let me live mine now.

Yes, the empty nest will soon be yours, but it is not yet. Yet the warning remains, if you will not relent in the desperation to control what little life I have that I still allow you to control, the day that you fear will come on swifter wings.

I love you, as a daughter should. I understand that there is wisdom within you that you do not divulge to others. I know that you only seek the best for me. Yet, with all this, you must find the courage and wisdom within yourself to allow me to find these answers for myself.