July 31, 2004

Bowling philosophy?

I was out with the peoples I go out with and we went extreme bowling. It's where you pay $16 bucks and you bowl as many games as you can before 2am starting at 11pm. Well, we got like four games in which rocked. I don't think I won any, but it doesn't matter a fun time was had by all... I think.

Anyway, I got kind of down by the second game, because being the dumbass I am I started thinking about how great it would be to have Brian there with me, and the fact that he's not well it always hurts. And I just got to thinking about other developments, which no doubt you all want to hear, and well, I just threw myself into an overly large pit of despair.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him, but it still lingers whether or not to him it’s all just words on a page. What is the point in telling someone you love them if there is nothing behind it? They become hollow empty words, as barren as a blank page, yet without the same potential. There is the song "it's in his kiss" and I think its right, the only way I'll ever really be able to tell is if I kiss him, and well the way things are going that is a ways off.

So I am lingering in Uncertainville, sitting on the front porch of my mansion of love, wondering if I said I'd buy too early and signed a contract without reading.

July 29, 2004

Here's hoping

Okay, so I meet one cool person and I find myself looking for others. I guess I am trying to reinforce inside myself that humanity is not devoid of all hope.

Yes there are stupid people out there, but then there must be enough not-as-stupid people, or dare I say it, smart people to balance the world out. Right?

I certainly hope so.

Reaching out

So I branched out and IMed the guy who has been leaving notes on my blogs, and get this.. he doesn't suck. He is actually really cool and funny. He is a lot like me, and it's nice to talk to him. Truth is, I feel like I've known him for a while. I know that may sound weird, but its true. He is really easy to talk to and it's like we've been friends for years.

I feel stalkerish now...

July 27, 2004

Krashing down.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am happy with Brian, for the most part, but here I am talking with Krash, my cheating ex. I have been talking with him for like two weeks now and I am enjoying myself, this friend thing seems to be working for us. He listens to me like he did, but now without the fear of loosing me he opens up to what he really thinks and it helps.

Usually when I can't think of a witty comeback to a playful insult I tell said insulter to bite me. And I was talking to him and I laid it down and he said he couldn't. As of three hours ago, he moved on, and as of three months ago I thought I had too. I felt a drowning tug at my heart's general area. Why do I care? What was so great about him that I can't let go? Was it that with him I felt protected and loved? Cared for and adored? And now it comes down to the fact that he hurt me and that it doesn't really seem to matter anymore...

I told someone once that I care for everyone I've ever dated, I remember each of them, and still hold their memories with me, because while they may or may not have hurt me, for a while they made me happy, and for me that is enough. That is probably why when he told me he had another girlfriend, why it hurt. Because he made me happy, and if you hold onto that instead of the pain, you can heal.

So I told him to make her happy and hoped she does the same for him, because what else can I do except wish for the happiness of those around me?

I'm still looking for Mr. Right, I don't know if Brian is the one, but I hope he is. And if he isn't? I'll ride that white horse when I get there.

July 24, 2004

Celebrating

Two years, and I still love him.

July 22, 2004

Wonders

So I wonder where it ends, and if those who deserve it most ever find peace. I wonder about those people who don't know how to de-stress and if they learn how to cope, or just develop ulcers? I wonder if teenagers are meant to feel like they are old inside, like their insides and their outsides don't match.. like their soul is older than their body?

I wonder if I'm alone in thinking I was born in the wrong time period, and that good men should still work to win a fair lady's favor. I wonder if my children will feel this too, and know they are not alone.

July 21, 2004

Mutation of the soul?

I feel on a precipice, like I am at a major turning point in my life. I just don't know whether it is for good or ill. I feel a change in the wind, when it blows, like nature knows with me that I will change and will not be the same person.

July 19, 2004

Confined inside me

I want to be alone now. I feel it inside, claiming me. It's like an icy wind on warm day, you can feel it overtake you, you can feel the pins and needles that rush over your heated skin, so that it feels like your flesh is being torn from you, but you are powerless to stop it.
 
I try to numb the pain, to push it off, trty to tell myself I need the company.. when I need a quiet night for myself. I'll be better soon, or so I think, this can't last forever, but then again maybe it can, and maybe if it does I'll be better for it.

July 18, 2004

Father?

I'm his daughter, living under his roof and his rules. That's the way he tells it. Yes, he has been a provider for me my entire life, but only because I couldn't do it for myself, but when has he been a father? He doesn't sit and listen to me because he doesn't want to. He yells and screams and curses and has nothing but anger built up inside. Anger and mistrust in what he doesn't know. His safety net has been anger all his life, because it has been his only constant, but showing his daughter nothing but that anger, how does that make him a father? He had enough control to never hit me or my mother, but that shadow of anger is ever present in the house, it moves like the wind, and feels just as strong.
 
I understand that his father never showed him the love he needed, I understand that he grew up in a different time, I understand that he is an angry person because it is his safety blanket, but he won't work through the pain and let the anger go.
 
Always his way, never any compromise; no tears for they are weakness; above all hold onto your anger.
 
Thank you father for all you teach me.

Preaching to the choir

She did exactly what we suspected she would do, she went to Centerfuge and rededicated herself to God. Yes, she came home and hasn't had a cigarette in a month, yes, she came home and didn't swear, for about a week then started up again, and it was maybe days after she came home that she had sex with him. She is caught in a pattern of self-destruction, and refuses to see it. It's not that she can't, it's that she won't and that is worse.

Yet, diligently and unwavering, she will attend church every Sunday, and Wednesday, or whenever she is needed, and walk right into the sanctuary. I wonder if she ever walks in the double doors, and feels dirty; if she ever stands there in the choir loft and feels a guilty conscience way upon her heart. Because a church is a sacred and clean place, meant to be a safe harbor in these times of corruption, destruction, and pain.

We were in her car the other day, and she began swearing again, about something to do about an idiot with no turn signals, and puts her hand in front of me to slap her wrist and tell she was in the wrong. I knew she was trying to stop swearing because she thinks it is wrong, and that if she stops it'll bring her closer to God, but I didn't hit her, I pushed her hand away. "I know you want me to hit you, and tell you that you shouldn't swear, and play the part of you conscience, but you know what you are doing is wrong to you, and wouldn't want me to do that if you didn't." She proceeded to tell me her conscience didn't work anymore, and how she had slept with him, and how she only felt guilty for a few hours, maybe a full day.

I don't understand it at all. She said to me "no more sex till I marry" and "only as far as first base" and she is sleeping around with her creep of an ex-boyfriend who has a girlfriend, who isn't her, and doesn't care! She honestly amazes me.

How can she walk into a house of God, and not feel dirty? Not feel like she doesn't belong there? Not feel like she has done something wrong. I would like to believe that she has repented and made peace with God, but if so, why repeat the behavior? Why would she want to gift her body to some mediocre butt monkey of a man who has someone else? She wants him because he is average and in a lot of respects, she isn't even average.

She is a wonderful person, and deserves to realize this. I harp on her all the time about her clothes and how she has curves, but needs to show them; I just want her to like herself and to stop hiding behind her tomboy shell. I am lacking in the tact department, and should know by now that I can't run her life as much as I want to, that she has to make these mistakes by herself. But if she screws up because she screwed him, and then she has someone else's life to mess up? Where are all my good intentions then? Probably the same place as the contraception she chooses not to use.. still inside the wrapper.

July 12, 2004

Torn between who I am and who I need to be

So now I'm the one avioding him. He went to bed last night without even telling me goodnight or something to the like, I have an IM window open and I type something in and it says "sleeping. I am waiting for the dawn."

I love him. But I can't keep on living like this. He's important to me, but not so much so that I should have to destroy who I am to make him happy.

But I can't just walk away...

July 10, 2004

Pushing truth away

I ask if he still needs me, and he tells me he's had a lousy day, I tell him it's not just today, but that I'd drop it and to forget I'd asked.

I keep putting myself on hold for him, my needs and my wishes, and my fears and my concerns have always come second. I put off what I feel, for him, because he’s had a bad day, well so have I.

I can't address what I feel? No, of course not. I have to be there for him should he feel like sharing what happened instead of mulling it all over in his mind and showing himself pity.

Yes, I have my share of secrets and things I keep from him, like how I feel like a doormat when I'm talking to him these days, or how I cried myself to sleep last night because he went to bed when I had a consuming depression come over me and I just needed someone to sit with me and tell me that I wasn't alone so I could tell my depression to stuff it. But he left! He freaking went to bloody sleep on me! He put up an away messaging saying sleep was very important and went to bed! I don't tell him how much that hurt, or bring up how much sleep I have lost for him in two years because I stayed up with him when he needed me. No, I was silent as usual.

I keep telling myself that there are two years worth of development here, but then questioning the development of what? My ability to submit to him? I am a strong person, not one to bow down easily, yet I do it willingly for him. I put everything aside when he needs me and I ask for one night, and he can't, or won't rather, give it to me.

I cry now because in all my rage I am beginning to realize it really is over, and this is no way to live. I cry because he was a great guy in the beginning, and then he realized I was there for him whenever he needed me and has exploited that. I cry because I no longer wear the ring that he bought me. I cry because I will deny all of this truth to the very end.. which I will put off for as long as I can.

July 09, 2004

Fighting a loosing battle

I try to talk to him and he just, he’s silent and it’s killing me.

You know what it’s like, when you get that big adrenaline rush right after to get off a great roller coaster and feel like you could fly all by yourself? Or when you win something you have worked so hard to achieve? Or when you are just so content with life that a peace you can’t explain comes over you?

Then you also know what it’s like when that same feeling becomes nothing more than a mere memory.

Knowing what you had and looking back, how do you move on with the knowledge that you had so much and couldn’t keep it.

That what he’s like, he’s like a drug for me, a permanent up, and it feels like I’ll never have to come down.. that is, when we’re together. But now he’s distant, distracted, and it hurts. I know that I am not the center of his universe and I’m okay with that. I’m also okay with the fact that he doesn’t talk about what he feels a lot of the time, I’ve come to accept that he puts up walls to hold everyone, even me, out.

Yet I had come to think that when we talked was our time, our only time, for just us. It is supposed to our time to put up walls together and talk about the rest of the world, with all its ups and downs, about our future, about everything.. but maybe he is moving away from me.

He says that something is telling him to leave me be, this happens a lot more than is natural, I’m sure, but I have always been able to dispel whatever fears that lead to those feelings, but now it isn’t a fear I have to fight. It’s him, his own gut feeling.

I’m used to the fights, about the rest of the world, about how I should find someone better, about how I deserve so much more, and that maybe we really aren’t meant to be. I am used to being the only fighting for our survival; I am used to being the voice that wards everyone else off, those who don’t understand. I am used to fighting against his half that says we’re not meant to be, but now I have this nagging feeling I’m going to loose.

It burns, that feeling, that he’ll go away and be someone else’s. I can feel the bile rise and my blood run cold, but if it’s the inevitable, why stop it? I’m tired of standing alone against the rest of the world. I love him, that’s my only certainty when it comes to him. No longer am I certain if that love is returned.

So long have I thought about walking away, about giving up the fight, about finding someone that fights with me against them, instead of with them against me. I have thought about what my life would be like if I were single, and my life after him.. I see a barren and cold field, and an emptiness that would consume me, but just like all pain of breaking up true love’s heartbreak would pass too, wouldn’t it?

I just want to know that I am worth fighting for, as he knows he is. I want love and a family, later on, but I still want one. I want to know I’m loved, and not have it feel like just another phrase. I want things back the way they used to be, but I can't turn back time, and besides trials make us who we are..

So I’ll fight the good fight and I may loose, but at least I can say I tried.

July 05, 2004

Where I'm headed

A lot of my time is being put into updating my poetry blog at the moment, and I'm still trying to reset my way of life. It is really hard, and I'm slipping up, but I'm going to make this work. There is no other way.

July 03, 2004

Missing pieces

To find what I had been missing; to understand that I had strayed and to know it is never too late to go back gives me hope for the future. It is within me to be a better person and I can do it, but I must first offer myself up to His strength and understand that I am never going to truly be alone.

It will take time I have, and I am willing to give.