August 29, 2004

Music of the Heart

Brian and I have a song now. Of course should anything go wrong, I will never be able to hear said song every again without thinking of him. I'm sure if you listen to rock stations around your area, wherever that may be, you have heard this song by now.

It is ... (do you feel the suspense??)

Broken by Seether feat. Amy Lee

Brian desribed it as "conveinent". He was surprised that everything that encompasses our relationship could be found in a single song; I was too, if you want the truth.

But I am happy with him.

Overall, not fairing to well. The betrayer, as she shall be known as until I am no longer hurt or angered, still thinks she has the need/right to talk to me. I informed her that I would contact her when I was ready to deal with her and him, but it has been four days and I am not ready by any standard. Yet, still she IMs. Though I may be hurt and angered, I do not have it in me to hate either of them, as much as I would like to, nor do I have it in me to be mallicious at this time. So, I wait and I deal.

August 28, 2004

Older and more mature are two different things

How did this happen? How did someone I trust betray me? Was this one of those experiences that I was meant to have but just hadn't yet?

I trusted her, I believed in her and I stood by her even when she was wrong. She has screwed up time and time again, and still I stay. Why? I am not alone in thinking she would be more lost without me.

It is hard to watch those who know better screw up just because they can, and it hurts more to watch knowing that they do it for themselves with no thought to the effects of those around them. So long as they get what they want out of it, be it someone else or some type of high, they are perfectly okay with their destructive behavior.

I want to cleanse myself and be rid of her, off my conscious and out of my life, but I can't just walk away because for me it doesn't work like that. I am not alone in feeling like she is somehow my responsibility because she cannot be responsible for herself all the time, she just doesn't know how, or she refuses to do so.

She may be older, but she is the little sister I always wanted.


August 26, 2004

I told you so

I can feel the bottom as it crumbles beneath me. I am tired of being happy and of smiling all the time. I am tired of waiting on the edge of my seat for a grand finale that never comes. I am tired of not being good enough for everyone.

I’m sorry I’m not ready to meet someone new, like I thought I was.

I want to cry for Brian, because it’s almost like he’s dead, even though he’s still there and alive and well as far as I know. He’s never really here with me anymore. My heart can’t take the strain of always wondering what if, and is he still there, or was today the day?

Sometimes you just can’t go back to the way things were, no matter how hard you try.

I want something to believe in again, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one believing in me, because sometimes I am.

Nothing I feel seems real, and it scares me.

I can’t save me anymore, I just can’t. I hold up myself and everyone else who needs me. No one knows; they can’t, it wouldn’t be fair to burden them with my suffering. So I stand, and wait.

My claddagh doesn’t fit right anymore and its not like it matters, because no one has known about it, and flipped it of their own volition. I bought it for myself and it should have been given to me.

I am broken and bleeding. I am torn and tear-stained.

I am tired of hearing “I’m sorry” because you pushed to hard after I said stop, or you decided not to push at all.

“I’m sorry” starts to lose it’s meaning if it is all you ever say.

I want my older brother back. I want some quality little sister time like I used to get all the time. No tagalongs, just David and me. I asked to chill with David, not David and friend. I want my brother back dammit!

I need a hug from someone who really gives a damn, not a stranger who knows absolutely nothing about me. I need to feel the care and concern and pure love of someone for me..

I need to cry and the tears won’t come.

August 22, 2004

And they say stress isn't good for you

I switched out of Pysch AP. I was so bored I doodled on my notes.. for the first time in three years! So I switched into Concert band, and that gives me four music classes, two english classes, two AP classes, and a partridge in a pear tree.

I have to do a senior exit. for those of you who are lucky enough not to know what this is, here:

Senior Exit: a 6-10 page paper requiring a min. of 5 sources, written on a topic chosen by the student. Also required is a product that enhances the effect of the paper and an oral presentation in front of a panel of community volunteers. This project spans the entire year and each student will have checkups on their progress throughout the year.

Aren't you thanking your school system right now? You should be. That was a nice definition.

I am thinking I am going to do mine on the epidemic of self-mutilation among teens and its effect on them. Sounds promising and upbeat to me.

I have had no time to be depressed or really be introspective as per usual, too busy with everything else.

Enjoy the happy (well, mostly) me for a while, as this is definately not going to last.

August 18, 2004

Teaching's great; school sucks.

Three days... Three days and I'm already freaking out. I have so much to do, and no, its not just AP homework.

Too stressed to think, and to tired to cared.

Only 177 more days to go.

August 15, 2004

To all the teachers, thank you

So in a single night's sleep I will begin my year as a senior in high school. I thought I would be a lot more excited than I am, but I have this gnawing feeling in my stomach.. I think I'm just hungry though, I haven't eaten in a while..

So I talked with Brian the night I got back and *insert hero music here* we made up.. well actually he realized his life kinda did suck without me.. at least that's what I inferred. I wasn't really surprised and in truth I knew that when we hashed it out in a heart-to-heart talk, all would be well again. Not to sound pompous, but I knew this was going to happen.

Am I just weak? Should I have taken him back? This isn't the first time this has happened.. this is a shorter repeat of October.. No, I am not going to go there. Only that lasted for a month, not a week and in that month I tried my best to move on and pick up the pieces.. and got a new beau even, but in the end I took Brian back, because it's nice to be needed, though not always to need.

I just have this underlying feeling that it wasn't right, as much as I love him, this feeling of not rightness is hanging over my head.. I'm happy, don't get me wrong.. but I have this feeling that this really isn't going to last and that I am not meant to be Brian's one and only. But I love him and I'm happy and I'll stay here in this situation for as long as that is such and everything else be damned.

I have crammed two summer reading books into my head in two days. A task that was accomplished on very little sleep and a wondrous tenor solo by a friend of mine at her church this morning. She was nervous, but none the less still amazing in her pitches. I am just sorry I couldn't add paint fumes to the mix, but I was busy filling my head with Shakespeare, and well I doubt I could paint a wall with my other half, and still have gotten it all done seeing as how I finished maybe ten minutes ago.

So I go, back to hallowed halls, no longer so respected. To the profession I seek, though it seems to be faltering in some peoples eye as a position to uphold and cherish.

August 13, 2004

It's pain

So I'm back, with a large henna phoenix on my back.

At first it was anger that I felt at the end, anger was all I felt through the numbness that overtook me. But it was explained to me that anger is a secondary emotion and that whatever was first, I was avoiding. Well, I thought about it and either pain or relief would be my first in this case. And both frighten me, because who feels relief at the end of this kind of relationship? But it would be relief at not having to be the permanent fixture, I could crumble and be okay. And the pain? I feared it too great to deal with, I guess like losing a major part of me.

And come yesterday the anger faded..

I can't breathe, I can't cry, and everything reminds me of him.

August 09, 2004

Walking like a crab when no one's looking

A lot has happened in the last few days since the end. Nothing I feel right writing about, probably because everyone who needs to know, knows. That and it is too near my heart and I am torn.

I'm gone for the week to the beach with Becca, maybe some time away will help.

Thanks again to my sister, for all the support, help, and light you bring me in my darker hours. You are a true blessing to my life. I don't know where I'd be without you.

August 06, 2004

Biting back the tears

Well, after two years its over. He ended it thinking it was in my best interest.

I hope all of you out there who wanted to see this end are happy. I'm not.

It wasn't a perfect relationship, but there are none. He wasn't perfect, but he was great enough for me to love him. In the end all that mattered was it was love and he was mine, and I will always be his.

Listening?

I hear myself and the music that plays over my speakers as I sit here and write to an auidience who will one day, like me, just stop caring.

I am in a dark place and will be fine in a few days with no human contact, but I have to work tomorrow.

So here I go, a night of hurt and restless sleep.. and then back to happy faces of stupid people that won't remember my name when they walk out the door.

August 05, 2004

Forgive me..

I'm sorry that I thought that I could be all you needed and not be myself.
I'm sorry I lied about the kind of person I really was.
I'm sorry I never allowed myself to fuck up, or even the space to do so.
I'm sorry I couldn't make you whole.
I'm sorry for doubting whether or not your love was pure, but I never really know.
I'm sorry for being afraid of losing you all the time.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
I'm sorry for being needy.
I'm sorry for being strong enough to hold us both up, because it's supposed to work both ways.
I'm sorry for being your crutch.
I'm sorry for never pushing enough for you to let me in.
I'm sorry for not being more aggressive.
I'm sorry for submitting.
I'm sorry for conceding defeat, when you needed a battle.
I'm sorry for never challenging the place I put myself in, for you.
I'm sorry for thinking you'd always need me.
I'm sorry for not sticking both feet in my mouth.
I'm sorry for not screaming at you when you hurt me.
I'm sorry for every tear you heard me cry.
I'm sorry for every one I didn't shed.
I'm sorry I stayed up late with you, expecting some kind of change.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry there are some things I just couldn't understand.
I'm sorry for being so understanding all the time.
I'm sorry the person you know, isn't the real me.
But mostly... I'm sorry that you are never really going to know how I feel. I just don't have the strength in me to chance losing you, just yet. I know that this is unfair to you, and to myself for not even giving you the chance to know and love the real me, but you have only seen the part I want you to see. I need you to know that I chew on my words before I say anything to you.. and I never do that. I was always told when I was little to think before I spoke, I only do that for you. I walk around the eggshells for you, and you're the only one I do that for. I'm afraid you won't like the real me, because most of the time, I don't either. I know you deserve a chance, but in knowing what I know of you, I don't want to give you that chance just yet...

August 02, 2004

Thoughts unlisted

So, I want to be someone's angel, someone's defining moment, someone's perfect idea of what a person could be.. even with all my idiosyncrises (spelling on that?) because that's what they are, they are not imperfections, they are just traits no one loves yet.

I want this knawing pain at my heart and soul, to go away.

I wish that all the people in my life knew their worth and how important they all really are. I want them to know that they are perfect just the way they are, and while they screw up big time, there is always someone out there waiting to catch them, or at least listen to them.

I want to know that I am not alone in thinking that God is a serious subject, and laughing during a theological discussion at a solemn moment shows just how mature you're not.

I hope that I can make the life my children lead better than the one I have led. I hope that I can show them their worth and that they are loved.

I want to stop being afraid of being myself for fear of driving everyone close to me away. I want to stop pushing them all away. I want to be a better me.

I want to thank my sister for all her unconditional love, even when I screw up. Even when I run away, and even when I should be turned away, she loves me and holds me strong, and that shows her beauty. She is poetry and she is loved.

To every boy who has ever been in my life in the romantic sense, thank you for fucking me over and breaking my heart. I would not be on my constant and vigilent search for a man, my prince charming, if you hadn't. So I guess I'm trying to say.. thank you to all my asshole ex-boyfriends.

In closing:
Know who you are and live it to the letter. Find yourself and stick to your guns. Don't back down because it's expected, but stand up because you know it's right. Be who you are and stand unashamed.

August 01, 2004

The new independence

It is in my nature to be free, unburdened, independent. Yet, how do you convey this to others without essentially pushing them away? I can't, and I still push those close to me away, and then wonder why I am alone.

It is a sick cycle based upon a freedom that is never really free anyway.