September 29, 2004

It's over.

At 11:31 pm I ended it.

For the first time in 2 years I am finally free...

So why do I feel like dying?

September 27, 2004

This time

Me(10:03pm): hi

Me(10:10pm): Ok, fine you don't have to say anything. Look, I'm really stressed and I know that is no reason to take out my stress on you, or my anger or my insecurities of the moment. But when you sent me that first email it didn't help how I was feeling. It sounded like you were angry and accusing me of things that I wasn't doing. I just got really angry at you in turn because in my eyes you didn't get it. I know that I have been leaving rather abruptly but I am trying to get everything done, and well that sometimes causes a shortness, with everyone, not just you. Please know that you are not the only one of those close to me suffering because of my need to prove myself at school.

I didn't actually come out and say I was sorry. That's a plus right?

When did I become this person?

September 25, 2004

When I'm with you, I am who you want me to be.

For Brian

I used to define our relationship on the fact that you needed me. That I, in some way, helped you and your life to be something better. I was okay with that, hell, I was excited about it; it meant that for a while I had a purpose, and it was you, having you in my life only sweetened the deal from my eyes. But you don't need me, and sometimes I don't even think you want me anymore.

I have become the constant in your life; I have filled the void that you created when you pushed your family away. In essence, you have made me your family, and that is not who I am.

When you upped your number of girlfriends from 2 to 3, I thought I was the third and I asked "who?" because I wanted to hear you say I was yours, and then you said "Kelly". I had heard you talk about her as a friend, and that you had hung out a bit, and sometimes I suspected that it was something more, but I had brushed it off as paranoia. You started to explain, and I submitted before anything was said and accepted it as a daily occurrence telling you that you didn't have to explain yourself to me. You broke my heart and shattered everything I had based us on. The worst part is I let it slide as if it was nothing.

Having had her proves to me that you don't need me. That you are capable of having romantic relationships with other girls, and that I have become a fall back. I am the constant, the one who will sit and listen to you, even when you scare me, who will tell you it'll all be okay, even when I don't know for sure, who will keep on pushing for forever, even when tomorrow seems so far away.

You are killing me. Little by little, piece by piece, and I don't have the courage to tell you yet. I'm gaining courage through anger, but I will not approach you in rage.

I often worry that if I walk away that you'll end it, and then I wonder if that's the only reason that I have stayed this long.

You write to me in anger because I haven't been around to talk to you. I have a phone, make the effort to call if you haven't seen me online, you have the number. Don't accuse me of there being someone else if you have no basis. I have school; I have friends; I have a life down here that does not revolve around your schedule. Grasp that.

I'm on, your name is up, hello?, nothing. Where are you? Off with friends? Busy? Reading? Playing Fable? I'm making an effort to meet you half way, and you give me nothing but silence.

Give it time, give it silence, leave me waiting and I'll be gone.

I am not this person that you have made me.

I won’t say that I am totally blameless, because I have made mistakes, everyone does. Yes, I dated someone else, and yeah I may be hypocritical of me to be mad at for because of her, but it isn’t the fact that you dated her that I am mad at. I am mad at the fact that you lied when you said you needed me, you lied, and mostly I’m mad at myself for believing that I could be enough to fix you when no one if ever enough to completely fix anyone. Prince Charming and happily ever after love, really is stuff better left to the story books, but a girl can dream, or at least ask for partnership.

I am strong and independent, I don't hold back in what I think, I seemed have missed the day on "appropriate sharing of feelings" in kindergarten. I lack tact, I leave my hair in a ponytail all the time, and I hate my name. I am bubbly on rare occasion, and put up a front for everyone else when they have bad days. I never fail to share my two cents, and understand a lot that you don't and refuse to give me credit for. I may not understand all the philosophy that you spout, but I have at least come to terms with my existence and tried to make the most of it.

I am going to leave, and it tears me up inside. It's the first time in two years, but this time I will be the one starting the fight and walking away. I will take all blame for this one, and not feel guilty for trying to make you feel better, even when it was your fault. I am tired and it is no longer just my body that aches for decent sleep and a relief from stress, but now it is my weary soul that cries for retribution at the injustices set for to me by your hand. I'm not sure you ever noticed when you hurt me, because most of the time you never let me know, but "Kelly" has broken the camel's back. And now, all shall end in ruin.

But I shall be left standing when the dust settles.

September 14, 2004

Being someone's angel

I knew that she helped me, but it is in my darkest hours when I know she is my other half. I lean on her for support, love, light, and hope. She is my silver lining in every dark cloud. Somedays she is the legs I stand on when there is not enough strength in me to say hold on. She is my sister, and I love her.

I kept wanting to be someone's angel, thinking it would be a guy. I realize now that I am her angel and she is my saving grace. Everyday that goes by she strengthens me simply through her unconditional, unshakeable love for me. I am awed by her resolve and her belief in me. I truly do not know where I would be without her.

I have futilely tried to explain how I love her, but what I feel is beyond words, as is she. Like Cordelia in King Lear, where my sister is concerned, "I cannot heave my heart unto my mouth".

Thank you sister. I do not think there is another way to express how I feel, and though you may not think thanks are needed, I do.

September 11, 2004

The point of no return was passed long ago.

I can't do this anymore. I can't handle any of it. The walls have long since crumbled and the bottom has long ago fallen out from underneath me, yet still I stood strong, praying one day it would all come back to me.

I can't stand there with nothing beneath me, at least not any longer.

I have finally broken.

The world be damned, I can't take it. The lonliness that beats at me, the strength that must be given to everyone else to see to their well-being before my own drains my very soul.. I hurt and I can't make it stop. I want to be whole. I want a normal life, I want to feel beautiful and finally fully believe in myself.

It hurts so much and I don't know how to make it stop. Isn't there anyone out there who can lift me up and steal my pain away?

September 08, 2004

Is this really who I am? An arrogant anti-social person?

So now I am arrogant. I critiqued someone's piece in my creative writing class honestly, but not brutally, and I am suddenly arrogant in my writing ability. I did what I always do, I put my suggestions as questions and said "in my opinion" etc.. and was honest. Apparently only those who are honest are the arrogant ones.

I can't believe all theses people are getting to me, and the worst part is I am letting them. You know the part in the song "Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrman where he is all, "Remember the compliments you receive; forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how." Someone? Anyone? Have you succeeded?

It is just so hard to be yourself in a world that begins to abhor individuality and hates those who do not care. They cannot have power over me unless I let them, and though they have irritated me and hurt me, they do not and will not have the pleasure of knowing.

I would like to say that these two are the kind of guys who will be stuck behind desks at dead end jobs for the rest of their lives, but I don't know. They may, but then again I don't know either of them enough to make that judgement, and if this is the way they are to everyone, I don't think I want to. I don't need to take that kind of punishment from them and neither does anyone else for that matter.

The worst part of it is, it wasn't even his paper that I critiqued, it was someone else’s. He felt it was his place to step in and correct me, he even called it "constructive criticism". How constructive is it to break down someone's walls or at least beat upon them? Does it build up your own ego to make me feel somehow less than you? That I am not as great as you because of your "superior intellect"? Or your superior understanding of the workings of the human mind?

I don't feel like a better person because of any of this, and no, knowing that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel is not going to help at this stage.

I'm so tired of looking ahead, the past doesn't seem much better, and the present is definitely not somewhere I want to be. So where do I go from here, when I feel like I am just standing in the way?

September 04, 2004

Existing in a human fortune cookie

I find myself questioning my entire exsistence and whether or not I serve any real purpose. I think that perhaps I just think I do, and that all my dreams of tomorrow are just that, dreams.

I wonder if that kid in my Human Anatomy class was right. I wonder if maybe I am the type of person to shoot up a school, like at Columbine. He wanted to know. I wonder if I really won't talk to him because he's black, even though he's half and half. I wonder and know that on some level he was right, I am anti-social. In a lot of respects I am against society, and against being social, because I have morals in a lot places others don't.

I have the understanding of the wisdom of ages. Maybe my fortune cookie was right, and maybe I do. Perhaps this isn't my time and place, and maybe my being here is a fluke. I am just too chicken most of the time to undo nature's mistake.

I still want to be somebody's angel, and maybe I will be. Maybe I will become their guardian angel, watching them from heaven, if I can still get in.