November 26, 2004

A pyro at heart?

Flames that are made by the soul; that rise higher and higher until they overtake and consume all that you are. Burning, pining, lustful passion built on the embers of new love. This is what I crave to know, to feel.

Lips pressed so urgently together as if trying to melt into one. Searching reverent hands that melt every touch into memory as hearts twist and contort in unity. I want to feel that kind of need, that kind of heedless want.

It is a desire-filled love, one built upon a fire inside each individual that seems to flow and ebb like the tide, but is more powerful than the lunar pull of any ocean. It is gentle still, like the prayerful voice of a child. Innocent and pure wishing on the stars for the happiness of others; a sweet and velvety caress like any melody born of the heart. It is vast and ceaseless, constant like the daily rise and fall of the sun which burns so brightly.

And yet I wonder if what I seek exists, or if it is just something you see in the movies. I need to know if I search futilely and pray to deaf ears that will not grant such a hopeful wish to a mere mortal.

November 22, 2004

Countdown to legal adulthood

Two days! Two freaking days that don't seem to pass fast enough!

November 18, 2004

Delusions of mediocrity

Well, any hope I had of getting a major/minor part in the musical this year has just gone down the tubes. I had a horrible audition and while I'm hoping to get general cast... I'm still blindly wishing for a more involved role...

So I'm sitting here wallowing after not having slept in two days, again.

And while I know that I may not be doing so hot theatrically, I am wondering if someone else's audition went well.

Writing convention tomorrow.. I hope they liked my work.. I'm full of fear that it wasn't as good as I thought it was, of course it hardly ever is as good as the writer sees it.. I just, I feel like I am just mediocre at everything at the moment and I'm looking for my niche. I was hoping it would be creative writing but I don't know.. Maybe I was intended to show the world how to exemplify the world of mediocrity.... I could hook them up with that.

November 16, 2004

Know any good ones?

I hate them. I hate them! I absolutely despise them! But I think that it is the only way for me to find balance right now. So, it is back to the anti-depressant happy me...


November 11, 2004

My wish list

If you were to ask me what I want right now, here's how I would respond:

a 40GB iPod
the soundtrack to Wicked (has been acquired)
a decent car

to get into college on some type of schloarship

In life:
to be a teacher
to inspire
to have a family
to know that my life was worth it

In my family now:
a father that wasn't so angry or stressed
a mother that could handle what I have to say
a better future than the one my brother has set out for himself
for my mother to listen, really listen and not say anything, just once

some guidance
some completeness
a sense of knowing
less turbulent faith

I just... I just don't know.

November 06, 2004

A roadmap for my soul's content

It's all black and nothingness. There is so much in my life that I should be happy for.. and at moments I am, but that is all they are, moments. It doesn't last. There is very little that does.

I know that love lasts, for some people.
I know that time is fleeting and that you should live life to the fullest extent, and that a lot of the time I am too afraid to try.
I know that my faith follows the tide, at moments so strong I can't fight it, and there are times, like now that I wonder why an all mighty would try so hard a give a damn for such a lost and broken soul.
I know that at the moment I was born, I began to die.
I know that I have problems, and a lot of the time I think that my problems are who I am.
I know that sometimes I feel swept away by the crowd.
I know that most of the kids in my creative writing class can't handle the darkness inside me, because they can't deal with it inside themselves.
I know that they call my poetry dark and depressive, because it scares them; and that they want something happy because it would make them feel better.
I know that my poetry is about me and for my fleeting peace of soul and that if they can't handle it it's their problem.
I know that I am tired of wanting to be comforted and held and made whole by someone who doesn't know how to fully love me like I need.
I know that I want to move on, and that I am just making things harder on myself day by day.
I know that turning 18 scares the hell out of me.
I know that I miss my sister every moment that passes...
I know that college is a big step and that it will change me.

I don't know where to go from here.

November 03, 2004

Looking down both sides of the track

I got my permit, finally.

I'm lamenting a graceful defeat.

I'm staying off AIM. All because I can't handle a name that doesn't even know I'm there.

It's been a month, and I'm trying to go forward to move on. I thought that I had some type of control, some type of grasp on the whole situation, but I see his name pop up and I can't breathe. It was easy when I never saw his name, and I should probably take his name off my list, but it's there for my piece of mind... to know he is okay enough to keep going.

I didn't think it would be this hard. But it is, and I can't change it, not yet anyway. I mean it was two years of my life, and if I didn't get out now, what would've happened to me if it became the forever I wished so heavily for? I don't know...

I just can't seem to stop missing him.

But I sit here, typing to you, knowing that he is still alive, and I wonder does he still daydream about me? Does he still care? Has he changed? Who is he now? Did he cry when it ended too?

But mostly I wonder if he saw me would he say a word or stay silently in the shadows as I have chosen to do?