December 27, 2004

Karma+love=Nuclear holocaust

I look at my sister's boyfriend, and her relationship with him, and I can't help but smile. He is her everything and she is his. It is beautiful.

Then I think to myself that she deserves this happiness that he has brought her. She hasn't had an easy life and has had to work through a lot to get where she is. She is so strong, and bright.. I'm so happy for her.

Then I wonder where I went wrong, and why karma decided to fuck me over. If I died tomorrow I'd probably come back as a cockroach. That is the way my life seems to be going. Right down the freaking tubes. On the plus side, I'd be the only one of my friends to survive a nuclear holocaust.

I'm not even sure if I'll get into the college I want to at this point. I decided to screw around in high school and only do enough to get by, and well, no college wants a slacker. They say that my SATs are "amazingly good" but that my GPA "leaves something to be desired". I just want in and I'm working my ass off to get where I should've been 3 years ago.

Ugh! Lack of wanting to do anything kicking in... should probably go take my Lexapro, haven't done that in like three days. I haven't been home... or I just keep forgetting. It's really not that high on my priorities checklist.

It's 4:30 in the morning of Monday. Brian should get his letter today, or tomorrow... I hope he reads it... But even if he doesn't, I tried and that's all that matters, right?

The holidays, while inducing a five-year-old mindset within me, seem to be sucking in the missing Brian department. I just want to be happy dammit. If it takes moving on from Brian to do that then so be it... Geez, I was the one to end it. I shouldn't be like this! The tortured soul thing is not my cup of tea.

I'm going to go put that Spanish cockroach song on my phone if I can... just in cases the apocalypse comes later today while I'm sleeping the day away.

December 26, 2004

Still wearing the ring he gave me.

I wish that I could tell you what was up with me. I wish that I could let you know why it is I have had him on my mind every moment of every day so suddenly. But I can't. I don't have those answers, or else I'd have that solution.

He and I, we were supposed to spend forever together, you know? We talked about it, and about our house, our jobs, our kids, all of it. He was my first love. And I still love him. I know you know that feeling, that one of total completion, even if it is only momentary; though I pray it lasts a lifetime.

And I guess when your heart has to reset itself it tries to find that feeling again. Yet, knowing where it came from in the first place it yearns for that person to simply return that original euphoria. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

Look, I know that I can't keep living in the past and that well, that Brian really isn't coming back, but I can't let him go, not yet.. I want to, I want to move on and find love again, but I don't think I'm going to find it in high school so what does a few more months of hope hurt? I know that, yes, eventually I will have to truly let go and that if I don't do it soon it'll just hurt that much more and be that much harder when it comes down to the wire. But there is something in hoping for the love he and I shared.

It was real, and it wasn't perfect, but then again, what love is? There is no happily ever after, it takes work and commitment and sacrifice on both sides. The girl in me is hoping for change, even if it never comes, and the woman inside me is tired of facing constant rejection. I was never repulsive to Brian, and he always told me how perfect for him I was. I know that I am not perfect and our puzzle pieces never fit together quite right. But he loved me...

There is something to be said about a girl who has more boyfriends than she is years old. I just get so tired and worn out from never feeling good enough. But he needed me and I was there for him and that was what both he and I needed then. I just outgrew my place in his arms, but that doesn't keep me from loving him.

It's like when you're little and you sit on your mom’s lap, but then you grow up and you don't fit there anymore. You don't love your mother any less because you can't sit in her lap, but learn that there are other ways to be loved by her and for you to love her that don't necessarily include being with her.

I can love Brian, but I learned that it would have to be from a distance because I was becoming a crutch. I grew up, but I don't love him any less because I can't be with him.

December 25, 2004

Midnight Advice

I suck at being a person. I really do; I just can't handle it. I think it started when I could no longer sit alone in a room and be okay.

I think the world sucks and know I'm not alone. So, why don't those of us who want to effect change unite and take a stand. Are we all too scared to see what really happens when the masses fight back?

I think that pretty soon we will loose quite a few precious liberties, and there will no longer be any real distinction between church and state. But we can't really complain can we? You voted; but what for? For this?

Facing problems that we have is hard, but facing those we create is harder because we know we're at fault and so we are forced to momentarily come into ourselves and take responsibility. Well, those of us who do that kind of thing.

Age does not equal maturity.

Brains do not equal smarts.

Time does not heal everything. But you learn to deal and you roll with the punches and find that you really can go on and that maybe more time is needed. Even if it is just to rekindled a little faith in those few that matter.

December 23, 2004

I just can't let him go...

I rewrote the letter to Brian, I wrote it in the way it should have been written. Less apologies and more truth. I mailed it today.

I keep hoping for any kind of recogniton from him about what happened. I keep waiting for an email, a phone call, anything, but of course it never comes. It is a naive hope based on the inner workings of a girl still craving the Disney endings.

I keep trying to convince myself that he is never coming back, and I can't, at least never fully. I doubt myself and what I did at every turn. It is no life to live if I keep doing this. Though yes, it has been said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and I think I agree.

But it hurts everyday and I can't make it stop. I can't distract myself from it, I can't get him out of my head and I just keep wondering how he is.

Then it hits, the knowledge that I can't keep doing this anymore.

It is a circle of lost hope and a broken heart, and I wonder silently if I ever should have loved at all if this is the pain it always brings. Then I remember that I am the type of person who would rather feel pain than nothing.

December 21, 2004

Everything I never wanted

I feel like an ass. I said all of that in my last post about purely physical and then go off and have a really nice conversation with him.

But I wasn't wrong about what I want, at least not as far as my relationships are concerned. I do keep waiting for Tommy to be Brian. I think on some level I want him to be, because that would mean I never left and everything was good, and Brian and I were okay.

I haven't talked to him in three, almost four months; not since the night I ended it. And it hurts knowing that he's out there and that he doesn't want to talk to me.

I think all in all that it was just too early for me to start dating again. But I feel like now if I break up with him it'll seem like I was just using him for christmas, which I wasn't, I really thought I was ready. I thought I could handle this again, and I just can't.

He's great, but I think somewhere in me I knew this was going to happen. I'm still waiting for Brian.

December 18, 2004

Best of both worlds...

So now I'm questioning what I want and why I want it. I'm wondering if this great five-year plan I keep telling everyone about is really how I want things or if it's just what I say to get people off my back. I am questioning why in the hell I want to be a teacher. Why would I want to be mistreated, underpaid, politically thrown around as an election ticket, and rarely truly appreciated?

It comes into my mind and then I wonder why I write. I wonder why I write to you, oh few and faithful, and then I wonder why the hell you are still here. I am no Shakespeare and there is nothing here that is remotely among the level of Freud or Twain. They are whom I aspire to and I find myself constantly failing and it really hurts after a while.

And now here it comes. I think that I have found myself in a purely physical relationship; at least that is how it feels. I want to know how he really feels, but my new boyfriend is not one to talk about such things. Our conversations though hilarious and light-hearted seem to lack the conviction of true intimacy. I feel like he is holding back, and I know I am.

I find it ironic that I go from a relationship that was purely emotional where I was craving the physical, and that now I am in a relationship that is the complete opposite.

Maybe I am just expecting too much too soon. Brian and I became so close so fast. There was never anything that really separated us in the beginning except space. God, we spent forever on the phone talking about absolutely everything, and in two years that dynamic never really changed.

I think that somewhere within me I am expecting Tommy to be like Brian. I want both. I want that Tommy always has to hold my hand, or put his arm around my waist, but I want him to share what he really thinks. I want to know the deepest desires of his heart, and maybe that just comes with time, which was never an issue before. I want an equal balance of both emotional and physical and I wonder if you find it in high school. Correction, I wonder if I'll find it in high school.

The hiding has started again. I know that I was friends with Tommy first and that he knows me in more of a jovial way and maybe that made things easier to start dating, but I wonder if it will make it harder to get closer. I wonder if this will be a serious thing, and I wonder if I really want it to. I know that I have to share this with Tommy, he deserves to know how I feel; I deserve to let him know how I feel and that I will not fall into the same patterns of behavior that led me to end it with Brian.

I am happy with Tommy, I really am. He makes me laugh and I'm always smiling around him, I can't help it. But I want more...

December 11, 2004

"I stand alone in the darkness of dawn, the shadow in your vision, and I murder myself on the inside."

Do you know that I"m watching for you? That I sit in the shadows every so often and wait for you to show up? Do you know that I still wait for you to make the first move and that pray that things'll go back to the way they were, only better?

I'm sitting waiting for that conformation of life, of your life, to know that you are alive and that you are going on without me.

I think that's the hardest part of all this.. sitting here watching you appear and disappear and know that you are going on without me.

Don't get me wrong.. that's what I want.. I want you to keep going, I want you to be okay. I want you to live, to be happy.. Hell, somedays I hope that you've moved on and that you are with someone who is infinitely better for you than I ever could have been. I hope you've truly started to live your life, and that maybe now people don't seem to suck as much.

Though there's part of me that hopes you're still crying, that hopes you are dying inside without me. There's still that part of me that hopes I'm not suffering alone, even if the other doesn't know.

And there will always be that part of me that loves you, and I hope you still love me too. What we had was real. I'll never deny that.. I can't, and God knows I'd never want to.

December 04, 2004

"We are all one-winged angels and we must embrace each other to fly."

I'm physically sick, but I'm happy and that's what counts, right?

What do you want to know? What do you want to hear about? I want to know what the rest of the world thinks about when the lights go out and the sounds that creep into their minds as night conquers day.

I get to teach Concert Band after the Christmas concert. I had to practically beg to do it, but I am torn between teaching English, music, and (believe it or not) theatre. So my band teacher is going to let me try and teach and we'll see what happens.

I am general cast for The Sound of Music. I'm not happy about it, and I'll probably quit the show, but I'm going to hang on for a bit and see what goes down with the show before I totally walk away. No one is really happy with the casting save the few who got the parts they wanted, whether they really deserved them or not.

I just.. I don't know.

I wrote Brian a letter. It's a real hand written letter and it is six pages long, front only. I don't know whether to send it to him. I know that I probably should since I went to the trouble of writing it, but half of me is also saying that I should tear it in half and just throw it away. It isn't everything I wanted to say and it isn't a me I like very much but it's honest. Because I do blame myself for what happened at the end. And I do worry about him a lot, but I have every right to do that.

Giving someone two years of pure love entitles you to a few things, whether you want them or not. I know that now. I know that I am always going to have a place in my heart for him and that it hurts when the holidays hit to be alone wondering whether we would have lasted to see another Christmas together.

God! I can't do this.... I can't keep missing him like this... He isn't coming back and we weren't meant to be and that is that. I know that everything happens for a reason and that some people that come into our lives are only supposed to become fond memories but that doesn't make it hurt less when they leave.

And the thing is.. I can't move on because I was with him for so long that I wouldn't know what to do or what to talk about. I based who I was in our relationship on an around him, and I know that in a healthy relationship you don't do that. So I am alone, because I will not subject anyone to a half person. It isn't right and I know that I can be more.. I just have to keep looking.