January 30, 2005

Demon's rising

And so I wish to throw myself into an overwhelming pit of despair if only to feel. I want to change lives, I want to change my life.

I feel like there is so much left to experience that is just out of my reach.

There is no longer any safehaven for me anywhere. There is tension in every place, and anger seems all consuming. It is like peace doesn't exist for anyone and that my presence is simply ignored. I just don't fit, like a puzzle piece cut to fit just so you can get rid of it.

There's black and there's white, and I am stuck in the not-so-thin grey line where the two meet.

Rivers of blood to consume the tears that melt down my face and "it will all be okay". Blurred vision that fragments the thoughts of unhappy yesterdays and the broken promises of forever. It was never meant to be, this life on mine, and I'm okay with that. A slowly dying fire replaces the passions of a young girl who once dreamt of perfection through love. Raised up and cherished, at peace with myself; instead of everything I hate myself for being. It's all right to bleed and cry alone if in the end everything feels better for a few more moments...

January 28, 2005

I ganked this....

(x) snuck out of the house -- I wanted to see the stars better...
(x) gotten lost in your city -- Charlotte's freakin huge!
( ) saw a shooting star.
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states -- Canada counts!!
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger -- they were nice..
(x) been in a fist fight -- bitch.
( ) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose -- that burns...
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator -- like 16 floors too.
( ) made out in an elevator
(x) swore at your parents -- got slapped for it too
(x) kicked a guy where it hurts -- He hit me first.
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) broken a bone
(x) given someone a bruise
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
( ) had oral surgery
(x) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone -- all the time, worst one had bite marks for 2 weeks.
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) stole something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture show -- No man has ever looked better in fishets and a garter
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) Been to a monster truck show
( ) Been to a pro wrestling show
( ) in a bathing suit taken photos of yourself
(x) been in an abusive relationship -- emotional..
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now

January 24, 2005

Hot Chocolate and a capella christmas carols

Maybe it is not so bad to want fictitious passion. Maybe a future that includes ceaseless love that never wavers is not too much to ask for. And maybe, just maybe.. there is someone who can light my fire.

I want it so badly. I long for this true love that never slips from my mind. I can taste it like melting chocolate in my mouth. This initial bitterness that overwhelms all feeling will melt away and leave me soaring on the heights of unsurpassed ecstasy. I want for that day and crave it with all of my being. I want that feeling for time and eternity.

But I'm afraid to keep looking. What if I find it? What if I don't? I know that I will never find it by sitting around waiting for it to come to me. Love does not fall into your lap, even if you wish as hard as you can. *wishes and waits, and no one falls through the roof* See?

Love is the most complex thing in the world, as beautiful and pure as it is, it also has the potential to be the most awful, heart-wrentching, and grotesque experience of anyone's life. But then again, that is the chance you take when playing with fire.

January 21, 2005

Bathtub secret..

The candle flames danced across the titanium of the faucet. Steam floated up from the water running into the tub and mingled with the scented candles to fill the bathroom with a thin layer of strawberry vanilla mist.

There is something strangely erotic about candle light shining off a bath faucet that is still running water. At least I think so.

January 20, 2005

No Children by The Mountain Goats

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town
Again in my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
Yeah I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die.

January 19, 2005

So-called chaos

Someone once told me that you write about what you know. So instead of questioning I'm going to just type out a bunch of "I know" statements.

I know that I love to write.
I know that God exists.
I know that I am His daughter.
I know that I want a temple marriage. (for those of you who don't know what it is, ask I'll be more than happy to tell ^_^)
I know that I want a family, a big one.
I know that I slack off a lot because I try to live in the moment and well, homework depletes the moment.
I know that I want love. Real and everlasting, time and eternity kind of thing.
I know that I am always looking for new people, because everyone has the potential to change my life.
I know that I want to be a teacher.. of what though is still wavering.
I know that I hate senior exit.
I know that I use a lot of pen names because I hate my own real name.
I know that stupid people annoy me.
I know that school is neccessary, but often times feels pointless.
I know that I want to travel.
I know that at some point along the long everyone is doing someting right, even if no one sees it.
I know that I feel stupid a lot.
I know that I constantly change my appearance because I haven't come to terms with my original, biological look, but I'm getting there. At least my hair stayed brown this time.
I know that music is pure emotion.
I know that even when I feel alone, someone loves me.
I know that one day peace will arrive and I can stop searching for the answers to everything.
I know that my mom dying scares me, even if it is a long ways off.
I know that I am not afraid of cemetaries thanks to all my mom's geneological work.
I know that one day everything will just click.
I know I'm going to make it through this life and that hurting myself no longer seems relevant.
I know that I take a lot of bigs steps in personal growth every year older I get.

January 18, 2005

This one is for The Man.

It has always occured to me that I have never been alone in questioning what I question and that basically everyone has these thoughts at some point in their lives, but that thought has never provided the comfort to me that may have come with it for others.

I realized that I am not the only one to question my faith. Being raised LDS meant that everyone one was kind of watching me to see if I was one of those "typical" mormon kids. I was. I lived by the word I was taught, as do most children. It was an integral part of my upbringing not to smoke, drink, have sex before marriage, watch rated R movies, go out on Sundays, or anything that went along with that. Though the thing was that when I was asked why I never did any of those things my only reply was "I'm mormon." It was my answer for everything. I didn't want to explain it was because I didn't want to get into why I believed in not doing those things because they harmed my spirit, my mind, and my body, or even that it was just what I was taught not to do. I used my religion as an excuse and I never questioned any of it. I never questioned why I believed it or even if I really believed in any of it; I just accepted and moved on. I now realize that if I do not think on and take into myself everything I have been taught I will never learn from or ever really truly accept God into my heart.

I question God mostly because I see everything around me and wonder why such a wonderful being would allow His creations carry on the way they are. I don't understand, but perhaps it is because at this point I just do not have the capacity to understand...

I don't fit in at my church, when I'm there I feel like a total outcast and that I truly am alone as I listen from my pew. I just need a little guidance that is not "Come back to church and everything will be fine." It won't be fine until I find the answers for myself.

I just have to keep looking...

January 09, 2005

"You have been Big Combo-ed, have a nice day."

Okay, so maybe not everything is the same. Maybe I've realized a few things about myself that I needed to know and should've recognized a while back.But I think I realized them now when it would most exemplify my life.

I broke up with Tommy. He just.. wasn't enough for me. I need, I want someone real who can discuss the world and all that's in it with me while breaking down into fits of laughter.

I want to be tickled, and then kissed.

I'm strange and I like it.

I discovered Ragnarok online, and it is happy. I'm gonna be a dancer.

I got the game Lunch Money, and it is happy. Go google it or something.

I saw this thing on TV the other day about the google company and man! they seem like the best company ever!

I miss my college buds... I miss Emi a lot.. she was new and made me happy. Plus, there was lots of time with my sister and that was like wOOt! (Have fun at college, I'll try to figure out how to get up there at some point this semester for a visit.)

And a happy christmas to all, and to all a poke in the eye!

January 03, 2005

A new year, a new me?

A new year means the time for new beginnings, new joys, new sorrows, new experiences. But I find myself caught in a realm of static chaos.

I stand here unchanged and unchanging, raw and hiding in the spotlight.