March 29, 2005

Like a rock

I ran away. I am not at home and college is a wonderful place to spend spring break. There always seems to be someone around and jokes to be made all the time. Color me excited. Since there is always someone to be with or talk to or what not, I figure there is no real time to feel sorry for myself or focus on anything other than the moment. It's kinda nice.

Brian emailed me the other day. He wanted to know how I was doing after not having talked to me in two weeks. We were talking but we got in a fight and I left, so there. I am not doing it again. I put myself out there, and nothing changed. I IMed him. I told him that I was alive and that that was all he needed to know.

Ugh! I can't hate him or do anything other than really just try to be mad at the person he is and opts not to deviate from. Though I do start to miss him when there is no one else to talk to. That was one thing we could always do.. talk. It's all we ever did.

I do tire of being alone romantically sometimes. I get tired of not being wanted like I thought he wanted me. I just.. I want to be wanted for who I am and not what I could do for someone. I wanted to be wanted for my smarts and my stupidity, my strength and my kinda crumbly center.

Sometimes when I think about it I feel like he used me. Like I was only good enough as long as I was strong enough. I had to be, he wasn't providing support, at least not where he or I needed it. He tried to make me happy and to make me smile all the freakin' time, like if I wasn't happy or smiling that he had somehow failed me. But when he was the one to steal my sunshine away, he had failed me. I never asked him to make my life better, I just asked him to be in it.

I wish now he'd move on and finally be the person I know he has the potential to be. I am strong enough for me now, and he needs to find his own strength within himself and be all that he needs.

March 20, 2005

If I get there..

No angst tonight.

Give me about 20 minutes, maybe an hour.

March 15, 2005

Brutus and Portia.. real love?

If I renounce my American citizenship, move to London, get citizenship there, and pick up one of those swanky British accents can I please, please, PLEASE become a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company?

Pretty please?

March 13, 2005

I hope it's an oak tree

My sister has returned to college after coming home for the weekend to be with me when I so desperately did not want to be alone. She is so willing to take care of me and is always such an inspiration.

I'm going to put myself out there, if only for a moment, because I have been told and have realized I shut myself off to avoid being hurt. This is for Emi.

Please know that anything I say is not meant to fix or change our situation these are just things I thought you should know.

I need you to know that even if nothing ever happens between us, you will never be just another memory, or just another story I have saved to tell. You'll never be an "Oo, I did that" or a "One time when I was still in high school" story. You will be a cherished thought I keep to myself and smile about when reminded of.

You deserve someone to cherish you, someone to show you everyday how much you mean to them. You need to be shown love again, and you need someone who is willing to give you the moon if you but ask. You deserve real happiness with someone who knows how to make you smile through the tears.

There is this part of you that you seem to think clouds the rest, a part of you that you seem to think is the most important part because you hate it and therefore everyone can see it. No one sees it unless it is pointed out, and even then it seems insignificant in your grander picture. The little devils that rear their heads and tell you that you are less than you truly are should be silenced, or shot. Perhaps both.

Perhaps neither of us is really ready for the other. Maybe we are meant to happen, but not yet. Maybe this should start right now. I don't know.

You are just one more answer I am seeking. I am still searching for so much and I know you are part of my journey. So wherever we go from here I know that it is for some greater purpose, be it good or bad, and that I am glad to have met you.

I ask for no answers, no more questions, no conversations about anything I have written. I am not trying to complicate things, or make them worse or harder on either of us. I am just trying to open myself up after learning to shut myself down to avoid the pain that others can bring. I know that I am out there now sitting on a branch and just waiting, and that is okay. I can wait.

March 09, 2005

Just so you know...

He's home from the hospital. It was a diabetic stroke due to totally out of control blood sugar levels. I didn't know that could happen.

He'll be fine. That's why they let him come home, but it still shook me. He has this little thing where sometimes he can think of a word, and he knows how to say it but when he actually tries to say it, it comes out all wrong. And his hand writing has gotten worse, now it looks like really bad squiggles.

It's good to have him home and know that he's going to be okay. If he hadn't been I was going to kick some ass.

March 07, 2005

My belief is shaken.

I don't want your pity, or your apologies. I don't want your condolences or your well wishes. You don't know that anything will be all right anymore than I do. And I hate not knowing... especially now.

You never really have an idea about the fragility of parents until somethings happens that shakes that faith. They are supposed to always be there. It's just how it is. You can hate them or not even really know them enough to like them, but the thing is that they are your parents and you love them for it.

I want reassurance against the grief and affirmation from someone authorizied that everything will be okay. I need it...

March 03, 2005

Lemons and pepper spray... in your eyes!

I turned in my Senior Exit product. It was grotesque and beautiful. So, now I have like a month and a half to not worry about the presentation. Though I can talk forever so I should be good in that department too.

I didn't sleep at all the night and day it was due. Mmm, 40 hours without sleep... tastes like blue, but burns like orange.

I am still mostly out of it, or just really in it. Like me, times 12.

I made the mistake of trying on a pretty dress tonight and it depressed me when it fit but looked really bad on me. It was a size 18... gir.

I have a date to prom, but he and I are going as just friends because it's all we are. If I hadn't asked him Becca would have, so he was going either way... I guess he's not really my date then... *shrugs* whatever. We are however going to Waffle House after and going DDRing before, they were pre-requisites from both parties. ^_^

Going to see the Royal Shakespeare Company perform Julius Caesar on the 15th of March. That's rather funny.

Hope life is treating you well, and that it isn't having it's way with you, 'cause that'd be bad. But if by some chance it is and you like that type of thing, more power to you.

On a whatever note, enjoy yourself. Life is too short to be bogged down. Trust me, I know.