April 27, 2005

I can be with him and not with him, and be okay

He and I had a long conversation last night about what we both wanted from this, whatever it is and where it was going if anywhere. I ended up making him feel bad and I that was not my intention at all because he feels like he led me on, and that everything I'm feeling is somehow his fault. It's not. I asked him whether or not I should just walk away and if that would just make all this better, and he was all like "Is that what you want to do?” And I was all "Hell no it's not what I want to do, but if it will make this better..."

We're going to be friends, and he asked if that was enough for me and I said yes knowing full well that it wasn't but it was going to have to be if I wanted to keep him in my life. He is just wonderful and is such an inspiration to me. He makes me feel like I really could achieve everything.. I don't know I just feel like this extreme comfort around him.

I was depressive all day and wrote a lot. I just felt rejected on so many levels.. But I was talking to Becca after school and we were talking about why I kept getting hurt, why I kept getting involved and never having it work out. I keep seeing affection where none is needed. I want companionship and late night conversations. I want someone I can talk to that makes me feel wanted. I don't have to be in a relationship with someone to have that. I just have to know them and like talking to them. I have that with him.

As soon as I said that I just wanted to be able to have him in my life and have him around when I needed someone I knew it was true. I knew then that he and I didn't have to be an item for a bond to form between us. This is going to be something strong I can feel it. And I am truly okay with it, all of it.

April 25, 2005

Jedi knights are forbidden to love

Sometimes I think he's a dream, ripped forth from all my nightmares to torment me in reality with everything I've ever wanted and still can't have.

It's like an addiction with me. I'm trying to concentrate; I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to find peace and my thoughts turn to him. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I feel like I am chasing my childhood dream still and that it really is all an illusion. That Prince Charming never really existed except for Cinderella. I am beginning to lose faith in love and truly believe that it has forgotten me. I want to feel like I am wanted. I want to feel cherished and supported. I want to feel like balanced relationships exist.

I want him and 99% of his words and his actions coincide with mine, and sometimes I feel like we are one or at the very least we will be someday even if only for a moment. Sometimes when I'm with him I feel like we have transcended all earthly conventions and we are one in spirit and nothing more will ever need to be said.

He has the ability to set my skin on fire with a single touch. I look at him and I can't help but think that I am lucky simply to have met him. I crave him and I don't know why. Everything I'm feeling scares the hell out of me but I'm praying that none of this ever goes away. I am just so lost and I have this strange feeling that he could be my compass if he chose to be. Constantly I want to talk to him; everything just seems better when I'm with him. I actually feel safe with him, I trust him and that's one of the hardest things for me to do.

Damn it! I want to stop chasing these romanticized dreams of happily ever after or perfect people. I just want.. I just want to be held and to know that I could at least have the option of staying there forever..

April 24, 2005

This is happy

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Katana of Courteous Debate.

Get yours.

Does it remind anyone else of Jedi-like aggressive negotiations?

April 21, 2005

Conversational Kisses

This is actually a poem I wrote, but I wanted to put it here so someone would actually read it..

There was an instant connection.
I felt it too.
I thought "Wow, she's hot."
I'm not hot.
It scares me how close I feel to you.
How close?
I can't get enough of you.
Sure you can.
Everything is so soft here.
Stop making me blush!
I'll come and visit you.
You are so precious to me.
I am?
How could they hurt you?
I hurt them too.
I care about you.
So soon?
I wish it had been you.
But it wasn't.
I was just thinking about how pretty you are.
Shut up, you are so full of it.
You are beautiful.
No. I'm not.
There will never be another Padme to my Anakin.
How can you be so sure?

I'm not ready for this commitment.
I understand.

April 18, 2005

A well worth it oopsy

I think I may have gotten him grounded or something. Well I think he and I collectively got him grounded. Of course grounded is usually what happens when you don't go home until 6:30 Sunday morning after leaving your house at 9:30pm on Saturday.

*giggles* Nothing happened I swear. *crosses fingers* Okay well, stuff happened but there was no making out with clothes off, that's a plus.. Though I did see him with his shirt off and umm... wow. *blushes*

Alrighty then, bye now.

** Edit: He wasn't grounded, he was away on a school retreat. Lucky bastard.

April 17, 2005

I guess this is back in the saddle...

He spoke Hebrew to me. I had no idea it was such a beautiful language.

He cried and I was lost. I wanted to take all his pain away and replace it with nothing but affection and love. I wanted to fill his voids with pieces of me. I wanted to make him love me.

I am in too deep and it's only been three days.

But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

How do I find myself here, on the brink of everything, and it is all crumbling around me.

Dreams of things that will never happen that wrap around me like his arms, as he whispers in my ear that he cares, but is not ready for this. He's telling me that it's too hard, and that I am everything he has been searching for. I trust him and I feel safe listening to his heart. The early morning hours creep up and we are still intertwined whispering sweet nothings and I am pretending for just one more moment that he wants me... that someday I'll be his... that today I am... I feel beautiful as his mouth roams my body and proves to me that real women have curves and they are what men want. I feel him press against me and every promise I have ever made to myself teeters on the edge of annihilation.

He tells me that he'll protect me. But how can he protect me from himself? By never giving himself over to me?

He wonders how I can have been hurt so badly by so many people, and he questions why they would hurt someone as precious as I seem to be.

I actually feel beautiful as I'm crying knowing he could love me, but won't.

April 15, 2005

I can't keep crying for you.

Let me know how this is supposed to work. Let your happiness wash over me and let me feel it. Let me know that I am not a part of it and that I never will be. I want the truth from you and I'm tired of waiting for the answers.

I can't keep being in your life, and not really be a part of it. It hurts too much to sit next to you and not be able to have you.

Maybe the one thing worse than possibly having you and losing you, is this being with you and knowing you'll never be mine.

April 10, 2005

Do you hear God laughing in the distance?

You say you want to know me, but I don't think that's true. I think that my dark side is pushing you away and we'll all be better for it. I know that at some point I would've failed us and I would not have been okay with that. I always end up failing everyone in one way or another.

So I'm failing and I'm falling, I'm fading and I'm crawling; everything's gonna be all right.

You think you know me, but that knowledge is not enough, I am something you have to know through practice and patience. I come through extensive research and more trial-and-error than anyone would like to count.

I skid across an entire street trapped underneath my bike when I was younger. I got up with just a scratch on my elbow, I wish life and love were as kind.

I am waiting for someone who probably doesn't even know I exist. I don't think I want them to know.

It hurts again and I can't make it stop. It comes and it goes, but always this aching inside me. Pulsing through my heart, being pushed through my lungs. Deeper, deeper I feel it moving. Stronger I feel its pull growing. Louder I hear its call. I will succumb, I will submit to the darkness...

I laugh because I think it's funny, this life of mine. Surely it has to be one big joke.

April 04, 2005

Here's some happy news...

I found out while I was gone that I received a letter from Western Carolina University and that I had been accepted!!!

I'm going to college! I'm going to college! *insert overly large happy dance here*

Have a nice day.