May 22, 2005

Whispers of wrongness

Could you tell me why I miss you? Why suddenly I keep thinking about you over and over to the point where I'm driving myself insane? Is it because you loved me, or at least made me think you did? Is it because you were so constant in my life for so long?

I miss you. Come back to me, because I can't come to you. Meet me, feel me, kiss me, hold me, walk with me and dry my tears. It hurts all over again and I just keep waltzing through it alone. I'm hoping you'll come and save me from a lifetime of secret tears, lonely dances, and unbearable nights.

May 21, 2005

She promised me one day my heart will stop hurting

I can't watch romance movies anymore without aching. I was watching Kate&Leopold and I just lost it. The part where they are out on the balcony just holding each other and talking, made me cry.

I can't take it anymore!

I look around me at school and I see all these people who have relationships, significant others, and the like and it hurts. It seems to me that as long as you are willing to never truly invest yourself into something that you can be in a relationship, that you can have someone to hold and hug and spend "significant other" time with as long as you both know it's never really going to go anywhere.

Where is the fairness in all of that? All I want is to be loved. The kind I read about, the kind I see for those rare few, the kind in fairytales and all other stories that end in happily ever after. I know that I have to give love to receive it, and I am ready and waiting. I just... have brought myself to tears again.

May 17, 2005

To anyone I ever loved

Why do I wake at night in the overwhelming comfort of darkness aching for you? Why do I long to feel your sweet caress upon my exposed flesh, or your sweet lips taking mine in reverence for everything we share?

How is it that I cannot move on from this, that I cannot pull you from my mind, my thoughts, my heart and soul, that I cannot find peace within the turbulence of my rejected heart?

I held you close once, kissed away your tears and made everything seem all right for a moment.

The scent of you still lingers within me and I am left craving what was never meant to be mine.

Your passion flooded my body and I was swept away on pheromone-spiked waters that were all too familiar. There was nothing to save us, even if we had wanted it.

"The course to true love never did run smooth", but they never told us how lonely the journey really was. Or how long it would take to cease the relentless pain of a torn and broken heart.

It was never just about the sexually overdriven feelings that we produced within each other, know that, take comfort in it. It was about simply being together, that perfect moment when you are truly contented with being in your own skin, it was about you and me for the night. Not you and I as the world saw us, but rather you and I as we saw each other through the warped perceptions gifted to us by our failing attempt at life.

They were never shallow promises that I made in the night or on the crest of passionate release; they were truth spoken in the night, and meant to stay there. I would have followed through on every single one, had you followed through on your one and only.

I never give hollow kisses or false words. Every thought, every tender motion comes from my heart, and I let you have a little piece of me to keep with you when the world becomes too much. I just want to be with you whenever you need someone; it's all I've ever wanted.

So take me with you when you go, no matter how small the fragment. My life is spent in the service of others who know all too well the pain love can bring. I try to teach that love is compassion and truth, and that there is no one person to make you whole, as much as I may want to believe it. It is the little pieces you receive from everyone else that makes you able to love and be loved in return. And that is the greatest thing of all.

May 15, 2005

The night was young

Prom was last night. I went in a group of six people: five girls, one guy. The guy was my date and I felt spiffy. I actually got him to dance with me for the last few slow songs, and he was actually pretty good, which was happy.

It amazes me just how many people you can get to dress up really nice, listen to music that under normal circumstances you know they wouldn't agree on, and all just dance and enjoy themselves. I even had a friend dance with me who didn't actually even want to go in the first place. That kind of stuff just opens your eyes just little bit more.

I slept last night in a rather bad way. I kept waking up and I just couldn't grip enough reality to either stay awake, nor could I fall back to sleep right away. My mind wandered and I think there were dreams that I was avoiding.

I don't know how I feel about things right now. I keep getting mixed signals, so I know that I keep sending them back. I just want to know if maybe prom pushed into a not-just-friends direction. I hate being confuzzled like this.

Oh the irony, how it stings

You scored as Padme Amidala.

Padme Amidala

81%

Anakin Skywalker

58%

Yoda

58%

Darth Vader

53%

R2-D2

44%

Mace Windu

42%

Clone Trooper

42%

Obi Wan Kenobi

39%

C-3PO

39%

General Grievous

39%

Chewbacca

31%

Emperor Palpatine

31%

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

May 10, 2005

I'm a driving fiend!!

Yes, that is correct. As of 2pm today I am liscensed, and that is a happy thing indeed. *Does the "I got my license" dance*

And I have school tomorrow. Balls.

May 05, 2005

He won't return my calls...

I'm sorry that I called.
I'm sorry that I told you what I was thinking.
I'm sorry I listened to you when you said you cared.
I'm sorry I trusted you.
I'm sorry for believing you.
I'm sorry for believing in you.
I'm sorry that all I ever wanted was to be with you.
I'm sorry I wanted you in my life.
I'm sorry I held you close.
I'm sorry we talked all night long.
I'm sorry I listened to you breathe when you fell asleep on the phone.
I'm sorry I smiled for you.
I'm sorry for every kiss.
I'm sorry for every snuggle.
I'm sorry for understanding.
I'm sorry about the hicky.
I'm sorry for wanting to know more about what interests you.
I'm sorry for waiting on you.
I'm sorry for trying to give you my heart, knowing full well you'd never take it.
I'm sorry for wanting to be yours.
I'm sorry for every moment I wasted, every hope that fluttered within me, every thought of you, every prayer to be yours, every wish to see you, every second spent in your nearness.

I want to hate you because then I could handle this silent rejection instead of futilely hoping through it.

May 02, 2005

I can't believe I did that

It only takes 10 minutes to feel like a stalker and an ass, and to really freak someone out.

In movies that I've watched hundreds of times, I usually fast forward through the really embarrassing parts because I can't handle watching other people do that to themselves.

Yeah, life needs a fast forward button like that. Nowish.

May 01, 2005

I just want to say screw it

A lot more poetry lately. A lot more confusion, a lot more just all around stress.

How do I always end up in this kind of place?