June 27, 2005

Fun stuff

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #2 Match: INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #3 Match: ENTP

The Visionary

You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.
You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.
Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.
You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments.

You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #4 Match: ENFJ

The Giver

You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.
Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.
Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.
You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.

You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #5 Match: INTP

The Thinker

You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.

You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

June 22, 2005

Fuck your comfortability

It isn't fair and you don't give a damn. You don't know him like I do, don't trust him like I used to, you couldn't possibly understand how it is if you've never tried to know.

It's been almost three years and you still don't get it. I've waited for you to understand that he is in my life. That he isn't all the things you've made him out to be and that there is a person in there you might like to know.

You can't keep protecting me like this. You can't keep the world from me. It's here and I'm living it everyday when you're not around. This shows you still don't trust me and it hurts within the vast recesses of my heart. I thought by now surely I'd gained enough trust for the both of us. I live everyday to the best of my ability, I don't sleep around, I don't hate, I don't cheat because I don't have to, I live life well and with enthusiasm.

And you're killing me.

June 19, 2005

Numerology has its perks

Your Expression Number is 3
A natural performer, your destiny lies in writing, speaking, acting, or teaching.
Imaginative and unique, you have a natural creative talent in the arts.
You're also a natural salesperson. You can easily sell your ideas and yourself.

A total optimist, you are enthusiastic about life and living.
You are friendly and social - and people are taken by your charm.
Your role in life is to inspire, motivate, and raise others' spirits.

At times, you can seem a bit superficial.
Sometimes you're a bit unfocused and too easygoing.
You're best off when you don't dwell on trivial matters, especially gossip.

June 18, 2005

Does God play Lunch Money too?

God reached down His mighty hand to give me a sign, and pimp slapped me for being dumb as shit.

I believed in him thinking he had changed, because I wanted hope in the future I had created for us so long ago. But the future I created doesn't exist because it contained a perfect version of Brian. I wanted so much for him to be the man I knew he could be and the thing is, he is fine when nothing is going wrong but then BAM!, life hits and he's back to his old tricks.

Anyone who has truly tried to live life to its fullest extent will understand that it is hard as hell sometimes but you keep pushing through it without feeling sorry for yourself because once you take your eye off the goal it is so tough to get up again. I thought he saw that too.

I thought I was the reason he changed, well maybe not the reason, but one of them. I guess I wanted to believe that he finally thought I was worth it. The way he treated me and walked all over my emotions and my life wasn't cool and didn't fly with anyone, except me who was so afraid of being alone without him. The thought was nice that he was going to try and make that up to me in all the hours we should have spent being friends instead of plunging headfirst into this fucked up thing we called love.

It reached the point where I wanted him in my life and that would be enough, I thought that's what he wanted too. No, he was still trying to control the minor aspects of my life through guilt, pity, pain, and claiming it was for my well-being.

This is the last straw. I'm tired and I just want to sleep. I am exhausted and he will be better off without me. If he's not that's on him. I'm better off without him.

June 13, 2005

Bookstores, bright moments, and becauses...

I work at Waldenbooks now. It is a very happy thing and you should all be proud. I took over a dollar pay cut to work there too. But it doesn't matter because I'm working more hours... AT A BOOKSTORE!!

I graduated on Friday. I never ever have to take classes at a high school again. That, too, is a very happy thought. Should anyone wish to praise me for surviving four years of hell you may do so without a threat of ass-kicking. Also, please understand that for those four years it was debateable as to whether or not I would be graduating, so I feel accomplished.

I have been hanging out with LQM for the last several days and have probably consumed a full block of Velveeta in that time frame. Damn lemurs for friends. ^_^ (LQM is a group of four of us who have been together for for-freaking-ever. It's a french title for the four of us and if I could spell it I would, but I can't and I don't feel like screwing it up.(E--EC.))

I miss certain peole who shall remain unnamed but you all probably know who I'm talking about. It is mostly due to the fact that my sister misses the people up there which in turn causes me to miss them too. Fall can't seem to come fast enough, nor can orientation. Because orientation equals one visit to Cullowhee which equals a visit with people. Which is happy.

I have to go...

June 11, 2005

Watching and waiting

He says he's changed. He says he's a different person and I want to believe him. We've been talking for about a week now and well, he is different from what I've seen. He's wearing color; he's being more optimistic, less controlling, less needy, more open, more truthful, more guyish, less Atlas, less absorbed, less hurt.

I want to believe him and I know that is probably a stupid choice, but for so long I just wanted to see something in him worth believing in. For so long I was the one who fed him the lines of what life was worth and why it was worth it. He's doing that for himself now as far as I can see.

He has apologized for all the wrongs he's done me. He apologized for using me, because after I was gone he finally saw all the things I was doing for him emotionally. He apologized for not being the person he should have been or needed to be for either of us. He apologized to my mother for not being more respectful of her wishes and of her.

I just want some kind of proof. I want to know that this is real and not a line that he's throwing to get back into the good graces of my life. Maybe he's telling the truth in that he just wants me in his life and that to him it doesn't matter how as long as I'm around.

I'm not going to date him though. I need you to believe me in this. I want to believe him but I need proof and well, I haven't fully seen the hand of God reach down and tell me, so I'm waiting. I'm also still waiting on someone else; someone special to me that I promised Fall to. I want to see where that goes and if perhaps the two of us will be as happy as I imagined. So as long as the apocalypse doesn't hit before I start college, Brian can wait too.

June 01, 2005

Drawing blanks

It's all wrong now and nothing matters.

I finally quit my really shitty job and am hoping to get a good one somewhere else that isn't a grocery store. Wish me luck!

He wants to talk. What should I do I'm all freaking out and such and I just... ugh! Life needs to start being simple, like now.