July 29, 2005

Broken mirrors

I'm so tired of being loved as a concept. I feel like I'm only good to someone because of my differences from everything they might know. There is a girl under here. There is a brain, there are thoughts, and there is a soul that yearns for essentially the same things as everyone else.

I'm not just a painted face, and I'm definitely not just the Shakespeare that I quote. You won't find the truth of me within my stripy stockings, and my black lipgloss is only there for effect. I'm different and that makes me beautiful but there are still things within me that are ugly and broken. Things that I don't deal with and things that don't talk about. They are my dirty little secrets that I love to throw in your face when it seems convienient.

You just... I just... I don't want to be... I feel so lost in your arms and I no longer find comfort there. I don't think I ever did.

Have a nice day with someone else.

July 23, 2005

When it rains, it pours

I'm not handling this well and I know that in the end it's only my opinion that matters. I feel like there are just too many cooks in my kitchen and they are all screaming for me to hear them.

I'll get to you just give me time. You all matter to me. You are great problems just give me time to deal with all of you the best way I can.

July 07, 2005

Time to find a new writing place

So I've gone and done the college orientation thing. I didn't get a lot of time with the people I went up there to see but it was good.

I met a guy and his name is Matt. I hung out with him until 4 am the night I had to spend there for orientation. He left a shirt he'd been wearing downstairs and when Becca had forgotten something down there and asked me to go get it, I grabbed them both. It was a good excuse to get to see him again. ^_^ So when I gave him back his shirt I gave him my digits too. We talked and everything just clicked. I'm smitten and it's one of the best feelings ever.

I don't know. I know that this is awesome and I'm deliriously happy. He makes me smile and believes in treating me right. He's sweet and a big geek, we talk constantly and just seem to fit. I know that he's cute and that I can't wait to be with him and in his arms, but I don't know what to do about everything I had planned for fall. I don't want to give him up; I don't want to get something great going only to throw it to the wind for chance. I like stability in a life where I haven't had much.

Everything just seems to be falling into place for the most part and it's all strange. I feel like this is all going to crumble like I don't deserve it. This overwhelming happiness is such a foreign concept to me and I guess I'm just waiting for it all to fall apart. Which a horrible thing I know but I just don't know what to do with myself.

I can't write anything at the moment. It's as if the well of my imagination has gone dry. Perhaps it is because all the woe and misery I have felt for so long has been pushed out of sight. And if this is so, I don't want it back so soon. Maybe it's time to find a new muse, a happier muse that presses me to be amazing in my happiness.

Maybe.. just maybe this feeling is going to last.