October 17, 2005

There's no place like home

I still feel like I don't completely fit here, but the thing is that I can't really go home now either. I don't fit with them anymore. I feel like I'm torn between two worlds and I am left wondering if the feeling of belonging is something we ever truly feel. But not just a short term, "Hey I kind of fit here." I mean the long term "This is my niche." Perhaps it is just that thing that comes later in life with more experience and the ability to plant yourself somewhere.

That's it. I want roots, somewhere to call mine, a place I can call home. It's a yearning for a home. A place I can feel at ease with myself and everything around me. Something to call my own.

It's not my parent's house, that has become just a place to hold my stuff while I am here at college because of the shaky ground that my explosive relationship with my parents is placed on by my being the first child to actually leave home and like being away.

It's not my brother's apartment. Because while yes, I have the freedom that I have become accustomed to there, it is not where I truly want to be. There is too much tension and too much to me to do and to listen to. I am not there to be an emotional trashcan and most of the time that is how I feel inside those thin walls.

I know that this kind of thing comes with time and only after I'm done moving around, and I know that now that I can identify what it is that I am working toward that it'll be that much easier to get there.

I don't even want things to speed up so I can get there because if it did that I might miss something along the way and that would be tragic. There is something to taking the journey at leisure and soaking in all the sights along the way.