December 12, 2005

It's 7:10 am and I've had too much coffee

Okay, it's finals week, my first one ever. It is offically seven o'clock in the morning and I have a final I have to be at in 3 hours. I am working on a portfolio that I still have about 22 and a half hours worth of work left to do on it. I'm praying I can get it all done or parts are going to suffer. I think that it may be cut down by the fact that I do have outlines for some of the responses to some of the peer written stories. That's what I get for reading them at 1 o'clock in the morning some mornings, but hey at least I read them.

I'm actually drinking coffee.. French Vanilla Cafe. mmmmm it doesn't suck and my brain hurts. That didn't equal good thought but sh'whatever. I don't care. Stop laughing at me. Go away. Why should I have to go away it's my freaking blog?! Fine you know what fine! I'm leaving. Jerkface.

December 11, 2005

Love me, that's all I ask of you

I want you to kiss me and never let go. Let's lose ourselves in each other and find comfort that we're together. Don't love me the way that I love you; just love me that's all I ask.

I realize now that since the definition of love differs for every person, so do then the ways in which we love. I understand now that the things I expect are not the same you are used to giving and that is okay. Concessions must be made on both sides.

Things don't feel the same as they used to, at least not on my side. Perhaps I am just being hypersensitive to the situation, but it all feels awkward to me now. I'm still hoping that things will go back to the way they were, but in order to move on I must give up any hope for a better past.

It is obvious that I am very attached. But at times I feel so far behind and that I just.. have so much more to learn. I have trouble learning from my own mistakes and when it comes to matters of the heart I am usually dominated by feelings of love and fear. I always find myself waiting for the end, knowing that it will come because nothing seems to last. There is always the fear that I will drive you away or that you'll find someone better, and in playing it safe and trying not to give you reasons I seem to be giving you some of the best.

No more worrying about you leaving because you're not gone. I'm not going to hold anything back fearing that I will either be too much, or after bearing all, be too much. People come and go, that's the way of it all, but you just have the now to enjoy the time you have with them for memories are cold companions next to a warm heart.

December 09, 2005

Walking across the stars

You fell for me because of who I am, and I will continue to be that person, and I am awesome and compatible with you in some large regard because you're with me, right? So I should continue to be myself, right? Good.

But I am human. I recognize this mostly because it is the hardest thing about me to miss, I mean I don't really scream "possum" when looked at. Although I think I should start.

I am going to screw up. I don't know how not to. Perfection is not a concept I'm familiar with, though believe me I've tried to understand it. But the difference between me screwing it up royally and the rest of the world is that I'm willing to own up to it and make amends. I know when I'm wrong, though usually if I'm on uncertain ground I'll choose being wrong over being right just so I can figure out how to fix it. I seem to have this penchant for fixing.. or trying to at least.

There are some things that I think should be mentioned. Like the fact that I love unconditionally. It is why I love so truly and so deeply when I do love. I never let go of the things worth never letting go. I deem you one of those things. And I endeavor to prove it. I've wanted to know unconditional love, truly unconditional, and so I give it, hoping to recieve.

I believe in you; in your talent, in your spirit, in your essential goodness. There is a truth to you that I want to know. I want to know everything, no limits, no holds barred. I want you to scare me so I can show you that I can handle it. And I don't scare easy.

Curiosity is ingrained within me. I want to know how things work. I want to know the rules of the game so I can play too. I have to know. I just, I just do. I thirst after the unknown, and I feel like there is still so much to be learned from you. You've lived so long and acquired so much and I want to know it all. It's why I ask to the point of annoyance "What are you thinking?" I want to learn all you have to teach me.

But I fall and I am allowing myself to do that. I have to, no one stands alone forever and I am finally learning that I do have people to lean on who won't drop me. It's a wonderful feeling. Perhaps not the falling and the feelings of pain and loss, but knowing that I don't have to keep it all to myself anymore.

I want to share the wonders of the world with you. I want to show and be shown. Walk with me.

December 02, 2005

If someone was to ask me if my day mattered, I'd say "To someone it will."

I just want to cry because you can't hold me. I want to feel you here beside me with your arms wrapped around me and my head on your chest as we discuss everything. It's that simple.

I appreciate you. Everything you do for me emotionally, physically, materially, intellectually, all the adverbial things you have the capacity to accomplish. I am grateful to have you in my life and I thank whatever powers may be that you are in my life and that more than just being in it that you're mine. You have the means to treat me right, and more than that, the conviction and heart to love me as I am. You talk with me not to me. You support me and let me know that I am doing the right things in life even when it all feels so wrong. You love me. You love me. It's mind-blowing and beautiful.

Little things remind me of you, things that I never noticed entering my bubble of a life before. The way the breeze blows passed me like your breathe on my neck. The jingling of a long set of keys. The way my pillows taunt me with your scent but can't hold me back, so I wrap myself in my blanket and am lost in tears.

Life doesn't carry on as brightly as it did in such close proximity to you. The immutable colors of fall seem somehow silenced. The breeze doesn't smell as sweet or feel as soft on my skin without my arm in yours while we walk. But life carries on as I must and will.

It is my favorite part of the day, telling you how fate finds it fair to treat me. Something that used to be such a mundane thing and was only answered with a "fine" or "okay" has suddenly become a big production. Everyday becomes beautiful or at the very least tolerable. It means so much to me just to be able to do that and to have you care. Thank you.

I'm so lucky, so grateful, so ecstatic. You mean the world to me. Thank you for all you have taught me, are teaching me, will teach me. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing things with me, the good, the bad, the tasty and the unsavory. For showing me that dreams can come true all you have to do is hope and wait long enough for the truly good things in life.

I love you so muchly.